December 2001 Archives

on friday they announced that we could all take monday off (without pay). i can ill afford this, but the thought of going to a deserted building & hanging out with my boss for half a day is less than appealing. so i'm sitting here at the puter in my sweats looking unmotivated & undecided, & chris says, well, i'll just take the car then...

dilemma solved.

now, i have to make that little form validate! & i have new MT blogs to mess with! the old man's at work, the kid's at the sitters (at least till 1PM) & i have the whole morning blissfully peacefully alone with my puter. i am going to go make a double... maybe even a triple cappuccino.

it doesn't get any better than this.

andr� is not technically champagne. champagne comes from the champagne region of france or something. this is �charmat method sparkling wine: secondary fermentation before bottling�. in other words, carbonated ripple.

i'm ok with that. at three something a bottle, i can totally afford to get smashed with my ole buddy the internet tonight. yes, i do have friends who are actually online tonight, names omitted in case they don't want to be �outed� for being in the AIM on new year's [i'm �surreallydotcom� if you're reading this tonight & you are too]. i however have no shame. this is what i had planned, it's what i want to be doing tonight. i would rather be here than anywhere else.

socializing is fun too, but i plan to do that in vegas in august. i will celebrate new years where i feel most at home. here.

well, i've been feeling kind of wheezy these past few days. & i'm not the sort of person that reliably keeps up my prescriptions for this sort of thing, i go to the drugstore & do over-the-counter remedies. so, when i start feeling like this, which is to say, a little worse than otc remedies can relieve, i have to improvise.

some time ago, my son got a little wheezy with a bad cold, & his doctor gave him liquid albuterol. since he doesn't have ongoing asthma issues, the bottle is still there in the bathroom. & yes, liquid albuterol is every bit (if not more) effective than it's inhaled counterpart. i'm just beginning to feel it. my lungs feel great. there is just one problem.

i am wired off my ass. i mean, vibrating wired. & i very carefully measured a 3/4 t. dose, that's exactly what is prescribed for a four year old. actually, i don't know why i called it a problem. i'm not restless or out of sorts at all, just very, very, very awake. ooh, & i have so many projects to choose from! i could make a little database for the blogcon, i could do some inspired stylesheeting & make Jilly a nice new blog, i could do the sister-of-Jilly's (i'm bad with names) new templates... or how about all of the above? yes!

what kind of girl spends her sunday afternoon up to her elbows in PHP & MySQL? well, that would be me. i'd like to say i'm really, really, geeky for that, but the fact is, i had a helluva time making the thing do what it does. but it does it, so i guess i'm not complaining here.

what it is is, a database of folks planning on attending the blogcon. it has an entry screen, a publicly accessible listing of current signups, & an admin piece in a passworded directory where the planning people can enter, edit, & delete records.

if i told you how happy it made me when i made the sites on the list into links, on the first try, well, that might seem just a wee bit pathetic. see, i've been messing with this stuff a little, in the line of duty, but i am still such a novice. however, novices can find happiness in the simplest of things...

so anyway, here it is.

it is much too late, but i was in chat with people for whom it was much later than it is here until just recently, so i figure i'm not that bad. i sometimes feel wimpy when people on the east coast are chatting with me till 5 their time, but this evening/morning i am using that as an excuse.

i've been working on BlogCon2002. i have been lovingly configuring the MT templates, adding wonderful people to the list of participants, & generally reveling in the wonderful dream that is this (next) year's potential blogger convention. i say potential because until it is realised, i cannot bring myself to believe, or count on, such wonderfulness.

however i am utterly & completely committed to bringing this thing to fruition, with the help of the most awesome crew of bloggers ever assembled.

ok, i've had a few brewskis & i'm in that love with the world that sometimes happens under this influence. i don't even want to sleep right now, i feel that good, but i know i must, & so i will, & with that, goodnight.

it's a grown up summer camp, three whole weeks. to get there we take a boat through a cave. we arrive, it's late afternoon, i look at the sun in the sky & think how slowly time is passing. i can't do three weeks, but i'm not supposed to leave. we go on fitness hikes, i'm always looking for a way to escape without having to take a boat through the cave at night. i found a flashlight but i think the batteries won't last the hour or more it'll take me to navigate the cave using one of those pole thingys like they use in the canals of venice. i imagine it going entirely dark, and then the bats will come.

this time it's entirely circumstantial (i hope). because i'd like to think the reason i never slept more than two hours at a time last night is not a sign of some worsening of my ongoing sleep disorders but rather due to the fact that bed was such a chaotic & crowded place.

you have your large �california king� size bed (i don't know why they make king size beds larger in california, but they do). you have your two large adults, & your large four year old that got scared & crawled in the middle. you have your large kitty that we tried to kick off the bed, but snuck back in the night, making any shift of the one, inadequate blanket that much more difficult.

possible solution: bigger blanket. night light. kitty bed. the first two hopefully will make enough of a difference, because i doubt the kitty will abandon our bed for his own, unless we find some realistic toy feet for him. kitty loves feet.

i'm babbling. i'm sooooooooooo tired.

�...because the only people for me are the mad ones...the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at every time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but BURN! BURN! BURN! like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight POP! and everybody goes AWWWW!�

~~Jack Kerouac

so first there was law & order on the tv. this is why i usually always stay up till the tv goes off, because i am drawn into the compelling storylines, annoyed at that pretty dark-haired bitch DA, & disturbed by the tragedies portrayed.

finally off goes the tv. i am wide awake. thoughts popping like popcorn on the surface of my mind. i try to visualize this process, & focus on quieting the popping. problem is, i'm narrating this to myself as i do it, just more thoughts & words to bounce around. i realise this narration is in fact the same thing i always do, describe things to myself so i can write them for you later. i consider getting up & doing just that, then think i'm just not trying hard enough, that maybe a mantra might help, so i search for one. i try this word & that word & remember that ohhhhhm thingy, which i attempt, briefly, but there is too much static.

so i get up, & post this. i'm feeling quite a bit of misplaced energy still but at least i've gotten these words out of my system.

chat tempts me. i resist. i go back to bed. after i check my email one last time.

oh, i forgot to mention this about my christmas shopping adventures: when i went to pic-n-save, december 24th in the afternoon, i found that most of the christmas merchandise had been replaced. with valentine's day stuff. shelves full of pink & red fluffery, all festooned with hearts. fully stocked & ready to go. on december 24th.

i am feeling the cumulative effects of stress & excess. it is the inevitable post-christmas crash, in which i'm wishing i could have done even less than i did, spending-wise, because my visit to the grocery store was incredibly angsty, almost angry. what? cat food went up a buck & a half? well, kitty gets the off brand. two-fifty for a loaf of bread? wtf?

every price tag pissed me off. maybe i shouldn't have gotten started posting this because at the beginning, i was slouchy & sleepy tired, & now i'm sitting up straight with edgy energy bunching up my neck muscles.

i'm entertaining this as a possible excuse to fire up the AIM & stay up too late. must resist. must resist.

so last night, rather late, i was inspired to fix up BobtheCorgi's templates, it's a much different place this morning, no more retro pink with big boomerangs. *sigh* it has a stark, edgy feel now.

amazingly enough, people were in chat till all hours, not as many as usual, still, it was surprising. there are people who take a few days off the internet for the holiday, but then there are those of us who do not. here i am, 10am christmas morning, posting while father & son play with their new remote control Jimmy Neutron Ultra Orb in the driveway.

after chat last night, i went on a merry christmas commenting binge, pretty much through the whole linklist, at least the ones with comments. come to think of it, i really hope i didn't offend any non-christians, at the time i was simply infused with the christmas spirit (& about four foster's)....

it was a good christmas. i dreamt of doing more, but less turned out to be ok. a lot of not-so-small miracles saved the whole month for us, not just christmas, & for that i am ever grateful, even as i feel slightly sheepish for being in a position to need miracles. there were some things that i could have done to prevent the situation, but other things were totally out of my hands, so i have no way of knowing if things would be that different, even if i'd been more responsible. we are still on the edge (financially), but on the edge is better than over it.

i realised i hadn't even sent my parents a card. in fact, somewhere in a box around here i still have an anniversary card i bought them some four years ago -- i always forget to send the cards. they are used to this, unfortunately. i also forget to get film developed, but between my little digicam & email, i do manage to send holiday greetings. i feel lazy for being this way.

i almost forgot to call the parents, but i was on the way to the store & it occurred to me to do so. i have not re-entered my phone book since switching phones, but happily enough, my number-forgetting mind managed to remember, and we had a nice talk. my parents have health problems, which my dad has the tendency to tell me about in great detail. i am as supportive as i can be, all the while resolving never to tell my own kids what goes on during a coloscopy when or if the time comes. i'll just allude to a �procedure� & leave it at that.

other resolutions are forming, more immediate resolutions, not necessarily in honor of the upcoming new year, but the result of a gradual transformation in which i continue to settle into my life, as it is. things i'm going to do better from now on, based on the little regrets i'm feeling at this moment.

it's jut not christmas till you have the tamales. i am not inclined towards those hard-working holiday traditions personally, but i am fortunate enough to work with a lady who is, & she brought in these heavenly tamales. just spicy enough to really wake up the holiday spirit, & good solid food to fuel the last minute shopping this afternoon. i have nothing but admiration for people who make staggering amounts of tamales as a christmas tradition - i believe she mentioned forty POUNDS of masa? however i imagine it is a task undertaken with much love & warmth & sense of family history & tradition, enough to keep you inspired during the couple of days it takes to make these things.

my daughter loves to bake, well, she did when she lived with me, but now that she's on her own & can't just leave the mess, that has taken some of the baking obsession out of her.

i may not participate in traditional holiday baking or cooking excesses involving hours or days in a hot kitchen, but i don't see that as a bad thing. somebody has to eat this stuff, you know, the people making it cannot eat it all. i have my place in the universe, humbly & gratefully admiring all this hard work, & praising it's wonderfulness as i eat as much of it as i can manage. i know i'll probably gain a few pounds, but it's a sacrifice i'm willing to make.

i have an hour left of work, if you could call what i'm doing working: eating, drinking eggnog, blogging, bs-ing with coworkers, things of that nature. i love my job, have i mentioned that? i'm also feeling a nice holiday glow, finally. must be the tamales.

an almost perfect shopping experience this afternoon: traffic was moderate, lines were short, store personnel were friendly & helpful, i found everything i wanted for slightly less than i expected to spend, & i was home, with most everything for my son wrapped, by 3pm.

the afternoon was marred by one observation, as i crossed the parking lot toward target. i heard a man shouting. the voice i did not recognize but the tone, i did. i looked over to see a large, bearded man driving a neon green plymouth duster, with his wife in the passenger seat & their son between them. as they drove past i saw the wife, head down, hand shading her eyes, & for a moment it was all i could do not to twist around & mule-kick the side of that car (i learned long ago never kick solid, heavy objects with the toe of your foot, it's just not a good idea). my heart goes out to his family & i hope she takes the kid & leaves the bastard soon.

out of all the goodness, that one moment stands out more vividly than all the rest. as i walked into target & the friendly greeter offered me a cart, saying �it's a good one�, i felt very grateful for the fact i lack a psychotic screaming husband.

later, i had to go to the drug store & while there, i was inspired -- so far the focus of christmas giving has been on my son, but i passed a rack of gloves, & one pair stood out - soft, grey gloves with little silvery shimmers in them. my daughter is the sort of person that wears sandals in the dead of winter, but if her hands are cold she's freezing. i started with the gloves, added a huge tin of wintergreen altoids because she loves minty stuff & adores tins of all kinds, then got a card, & some fragrant candles. not a lot but the thought is there. as i wrapped the gifts, i was further inspired to slip a $5 bill in each glove, for an extra happy surprise.

after dinner, i fixed up my friend Toxiclabrat's site with the new banner she sent me today. the new look is quite cheerful & has a groovy sixties vibe that very much expresses her personality - go look!

all in all, a good day.

merry christmas to all, & to all, a good night.

morning -- not early, but anyway -- say, 9am. a good 7 hours of restless sleep behind me, still unprepared for the getting out of the bed. my body wants to stay while my mind insists otherwise, or is it the other way around? don't ask me, it's too early for that.

shuffle into the kitchen, glad that the elaborate preparation of cappuccinos is an instinctive behaviour at this point; it was years ago last i did this, but it's like riding a bike - grind the beans, pack the doser, fill the water, brew the espresso, foam the milk... wait. that's nothing like riding a bike at all. but if riding a bike produced such an amazing beverage, why, i'd probably do it more often, wouldn't i?

proceed to the computer to sip this nectar of the gods, & have that first cigarette of the day. i am barely conscious & already there are urgent emails from the early risers & the back-easters. i struggle valiantly to focus on the little shapes on the screen... letters? words? aha! sentences, finally, almost making sense...

have i mentioned that at no time during this process did the four year old stop bouncing through the kitchen even though i told him stay out of the room when i'm smoking? we have lots of doors, so it's possible to run laps through the hallway, laundry room, kitchen, living room, hallway, etc. for the four year old this provides endless hyper fun, for the forty-one year old, major stress even at the best of times. & this is not the best of times, it cannot be, before coffee. it's not so much the activity itself, as it is the associated noise level -- think bowling alley. those little feet neither pitter nor patter.

i do not expect a child to understand what the forty-one year old mind & body feel like before they get their caffiene. but in the back of my mind i hear my mother's voice & that parents' curse: �someday you are going to have children of your own, & they will be just like you.�

i had my son at about the same age as my mom adopted me, so we were four & forty-one at about the same time too. i get it, mom, i get it.

& so will the little guy, someday. oh, yes he will.

today is my daughter Amanda Jayne's nineteenth birthday. she came by to pick up her present(s), which consisted of a selection of silver trinkets from her favourite store, it really was all i could do. she was happy with the presents, not thrilled like last year (i had planned on getting a new phone from chris for my birthday/christmas, & giving her my old one, but i saw the perfect teenage phone, a pretty phone with switchable, colourful faceplates, so i chose to get that instead). anyway, i activated it on the way over to her work, & when i gave it to her she just squeaked -- that was a good giving experience. this one was less so, but she was ok about the whole thing.

she came by yesterday to drop off our christmas presents, & since then in at least two phone conversations, expressed her anxiousness for us to open them, & continued today when she came by, so we were finally convinced us to open them. oh, i love my daughter & her generous spirit so much, you should smell my kitchen right now with the freshly ground coffee chris is making into cappuccinos. she also got me a Dave Barry book, so i'll be wired on caffiene, laughing myself silly this afternoon.

just answered a long email from an old friend, & was completely unable to alleviate any of the pain he's feeling. he's dealing with it well & strong by recognizing the small victories, but he's still hurting.

he was my first love & though the years in between included a separation lasting more than a decade, we are still this close. there was a connection made back when, which will never be broken. in fact throughout our separation, which seemed irreparable, i never doubted we would reconnect. i figured it would be a chance meeting, but the odds of it were improved by the existence of classmates.com. i love classmates.com, in the way only a nostalgia junkie can.

it is quiet & late, raining outside; inside right now i am some twenty five years younger & yet old as the oldest images this old soul can still conjure. age really is just a number, as is distance. we are all connected.

just wish i could have been a little more comfort to my oldest friend.

i have quite the history. let's not go there now, k? k. however, having survived some forty-something years on this planet, i can claim some life experience, & every now & again something comes into focus, a pattern that defines a general rule.

i am talking about miracles. holiday (that would be christmas in my case) miracles. they have happened in some years & in others, failed to happen in such spectacularly miserable ways. i cannot, however, think of one exception to this rule: that the prevalence of miracles rises in direct proportion to the intentions in effect at the time. i have never been doing a horrible job keeping my life together & been saved from my own shortsightedness. however any time i'm trying my ass off, but still struggling, somehow my struggles are rewarded, in such serendipitous ways.

take this year. trying really hard, having some staggering setbacks, continuing to try, & ending up short of my hoped-for goals. up until yesterday, i was harboring resentment about lack of holday recognition from my company. i held my bitterness inside, until yesterday, a sudden zen-like awareness caused me to realise i should speak my mind, & express my thoughts about bonuses to my bosses. at first this was met with resistance, but today, i found an envelope from one boss, addressed �bah humbug� & containing a c-note, on my keyboard. furthermore, an email arrived today notifiying me that my paycheck would be a bit fatter than normal. considering the OT i've worked, it will be a miraculous check indeed.

why is money such an important factor? because i am the mom, certain expectations exist, & i would not have been able to fulfill them without this infusion of cash. also, considering the taxi business went bust just a month ago, taking mass cash with it, presents were the least of the december worries for us -- rent was a concern. it is now assured.

yes, this has bought me a reprieve. & that makes me happy.

the other morning, very early after a very late night in chat, my son crawled into bed with us after some scary nightmares. i was so asleep i couldn't fully wake up, but i was in a dream chat room, & i did try to click him into the group room.

last night i traveled to foreign lands without enough money, & i was wearing entirely the wrong shoes for the journey. i can thank D & Miguel for these images.

so i suppose it could say i'm online around the clock, since merely being asleep doesn't disconnect me from the internet. maybe i should try turning off the computer at night, perhaps my subconscious is making some sort of connection through the DSL line.

so you're in the supermarket with stevie nicks singing silent night over the store speakers & it hits you. what is it? it is whatever it is that hits you, sometime in december, something irresistably sad & you find yourself softly singing to yourself & leaking from the eyes. you would have been mortified by this in your younger days but these days, perversely, you hope someone sees you & it maybe gives them pause. what is this new social rebel in you, that cares naught for restraint & sameness? who knows. it's there. it might signify some sort of mental illness, but since it is so mild & so situational, you simply carry on.

thank heavens it is seasonal. not the whole winter just the december part, which is technically mostly fall, but whatever. it probably started when you spied orion in the heavens & slipped back several decades to when that sight meant rejoicing over another year older & another christmas & all the only-child spoiling those events once meant. it set you reflecting on the lean times at hand, something strikingly resembling self-pity.

you're not sure what to do about this, so you simply carry on.

it was looking like a good evening. my son was asleep unusually early, a good football game was on the television to occupy the old man, & i was settling in for a nice peaceful time online, when it happened.

first a flicker, & the sound of the hard drive clunking, then... darkness. it was dark as hell, actually -- power out in the whole neighborhood, hardly any moonlight. it took a few minutes to find some candles & at least get enough illumination so that the house was not a virtual minefield.

then it began to sink in -- what if the power stays off for hours? what the hell will we do? have sex? oh, that'll kill a whole minute. then what? not enough light to read, what are we gonna do, talk? about what?

i was getting ready to go get my wind-up radio out of the car & listen to some tunes, when the lights came back on. nervously, i pressed the power button on the puter; last time this happened, it fried the power source. sweet relief, as the machine whirred to life & booted normally. as it scanned its hard drives, i reflected on just how dependent i am on southern california edison. i must say, they have my undying gratitude for getting the lights back on in short order.

i don't want to think about life without modern technology. fifteen minutes without it was enough.

if a girl (or guy) is vegetarian, & s/he performs fellatio on a guy, can s/he still be considered a vegetarian?

in short, do vegetarians give head?

the phrase �sunday morning� conjures up pleasant images of lounging in comfy jammies, leisurely perusing the newspapers, sipping some foo-foo flavoured coffee... at least to me. i know there are those who attack sunday mornings with vigor & a sense of purpose, industrious & focused on their goals. i have never understood that.

however i am having a bit of trouble with the relaxing today. i'm nervous, jittery, & filled with an unfocused sense of urgency (& have only had one cup of coffee, so that's not the problem). i have no idea what it is i think i'm supposed to be doing, which is frustrating. i mean, i could clean the house, but, well no. i could work on giving this site an actual design, but i wouldn't know where to begin. i could start working on importing surreally into MT, but that is too intimidating a task for me at this juncture.

i don't know where i'm going with this. i was supposed to be saying something, but in the end i'm just babbling.

this morning, i was awakened by my son making noise, up to the usual morning four year old type thing. at 8:25. i panicked, & sprung into action: �we have to get you ready for margie's� (the babysitter, who usually picks him up right around this time), i cried, delving in his dresser drawers for something cozy. he begins to complain loudly abut getting dressed & going to margie's (this is fairly normal) as in my head i berate myself for staying up so late & feeling like this -- how the hell am i supposed to work like this?

then i realised it's saturday.

so i surfed to one of those sites that has popup advertising, & up popped this.

ahh, the exquisite freedom of kd: a blog. loving this here, i mean, who's gonna read it?

"reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."

- unknown

"madness takes its toll. please have exact change."

- unknown

i have absolutely no idea what i am doing here, except that i am strongly drawn to this new & wonderful weblogging software. it is not my intention to end up with yet another blog to maintain & post to, however, this may happen.

my excuse at this juncture is that i will be learning about mt, with the altruistic pupose of helping other bloggers with it.

however having my own obscure place in which it is permissible to babble without ruining surreally with my blather, could be an excellent side benefit of this experiment.

it begins with a click...

the upgrade from 1.1 to 1.31, though frightening, went off without a hitch. templates intact, everything fine, & more new features. i am loving this very much.