i'm sorry, i have to do this, and i have to do it here, there's really no choice if i don't get this outta me in some way i ... don't know.
i'm having a bit of a moment right now. not sure i'd go as far as panic attack. i have no less than five clients needing stuff right now. i'm afraid to check my work email, lest it get worse. i am not up to this and i feel very overvalued and underqualified. facing this many different things scatters me even worse than usual and am i working? no! blogging! because i'm a fucking idiot. i've also massively screwed up other things just recently and i've been drinking rather more heavily lately and i should no way have taken time off and spent money going to vegas of all places what was i thinking the cable bill, car and insurance all have to be paid *today* or else because i flaked before i left (i did write the check for the car, but it never got there, i should have done it myself) i'm kind of shaking right now and i want nothing more than to go disappear and have a massive hiccupy sobbing fit.
i'm not looking for backpatting or hugs here. i usually keep these things to myself. for instance the whole first day in vegas i was on the verge of tears and flight -- wanted to just bolt for home. ended up calling chris in hysterics and he kinda talked me down. (i'm not looking to be talked down right now though, ok? i'm just dumping).
this is not new and sudden. these are things i generally keep out of public view. i'm thinking maybe that contributed to the buildup, hence ... this. ok now let's pretend we never saw this happen. moving right along.
sorry.
innnnnnn....
ouuuutttt....
innnnnn....
ouuuuutttt....
wait, are we still talking about breathing here?
Pour a tequila. Count to 10. Drink tequila.
All better now?
Just forge ahead. You let it out, we're listening, now carry on.
(and breathe deeeeep!)
and we're always here if you need to spew again.
xoxo
no tequila at work. tequila bad.
i'm a little better so far. the breathing stuff just made me want to cry more (possibly thinking about people telling me to breathe in a helpful manner).
then i found out further stressful things related to having ones teenage daughter on ones cell plan and having said teenage daughter constantly pining for her boyfriend in france and ....
yes. i'm breathing. i'm going to keep working on that.
=)
oh kd. i have no advice, only empathy, as one who often feels the same way. honestly, you were and are the belle of the ball.
me? i do best with a hot long shower in this case. i feel better afterwards, and if there is the inevitable hiccupy sobbing fit i at least have a way to deal with all the snot.
"i feel very overvalued and underqualified." Been there. My solution has been to say "hey, they think I can do this, and they're bright people ordinarily, so I must be able to do it." That's usually good for a five minute respite from panic. ;)
"i should no way have taken time off and spent money going to vegas of all places what was i thinking the cable bill, car and insurance all have to be paid *today* or else" Don't you freakin' hate it when you do that? I do that all the time, and it bugs the crap out of me! You would think I would learn, but do I? Nooooooo...
Screw it, I'm giving you a hug anyways. Because I need one. Now just shut up and gimme a hug!
Great comment mikey! :-)
kd. Sometimes this is how life is, and babes, guess what? You just have to do what you have to do. Take a deep breath, exhale and just go for it. I'm sure that you are capable. All the best.
Your needs? What about my needs? I need a hug. I didn't get enough time with you in Vegas. Let's go back, ok? I gossiped about you on my site.
Love you. xoxoxox
Hey KD, sometimes you have to just say fuck it. Drop some emails saying the MT installs will be delayed a bit. Let the cable get disconnected for a while if you can't pay it. Let some shit slide. As long as you've got a job, transportation, and a place to live, you should be OK. Everything else is secondary.
That's what's blogs are for. Dumping things so they don't stay in your head. Just breathe. Breathe. And breathe again.
I'm with Skits: deep breath... Let it out... Repeat.
Work...
Blog...
Let it out...
Dumping is goood - keeps us all sane.
You dump all you want to, it's deeply ok.
I didn't have enough time to talk to everyone in Vegas - guess we'll have to do a full week of this next time. Heh.
glad to see that you're feelin a little better. returning to work after the weekend was bad enough... but returning to full-on stress? that's just brutal.
innnnnnnnn
ouuuuuuuttttt
innnnnnn
ouuuuuuuuttt
ah, time for a smoke...
Don't listen to them... keep it all bottled in like I do!
I'm off on a shooting spree at the supermarket, can I bring you anything back?
the contents of the safe? some hostages?
Breeeeeeeathe. Release those fists so your fingernails don't puncture through your palms.
ahh, well everything's paid now, it wasn't so much lack of money as it was me forgetting. and forgetting some more.
and then finding out school starts in two days and the kid still needs a physical. and fighting with chris because he held onto the paperwork for FOUR MONTHS gave it to me LAST WEEK and now it's all of a sudden my fucking fault.
oh and let's not get into the pining daughter and the cell phone bill.
but this is just life. this stress is not unusual. it gets better when i release the pressure, but the pressure will always be there.