i am behaving. badly, but hey ...

'tis a day of downloading bad religion and greenday and offspring, a beer before noon day, a wonder if the computer speakers can bother the neighbors, they're such little things but no complaints, none at all. except i might give that impression as i get into it, into the way the past is invoked in all this with absolutely devastating clarity, and by that i mean nothing negative, i believe destruction is almost always for the best.

nice excuse for a lot of things, that is. you may borrow it anytime, no charge.

but if i could go back say ten-ish years, i think i might just go ahead and do that. and all that that entails. shocking i can say that knowing the rewinding would include one child, and the decisions i'd be there to amend, would include walking away when i had the chance from the man who fathered him, and what this means is all in all i'm big talk and entirely full of shit. you could hand me the keys to the time machine right now and it wouldn't matter if i wanted it more than i want this next breath, this one right here, i couldn't accept it. but i'd be absolutely aglow with it much like miss d'arc as the flames rose - the nobility of the sacrifice would make me just insufferable.

and this leaves me here and here is what it is and maybe the pre-noon beer beginning wasn't the best way to face the sunday of a week like the week that just was. whatever _that_ is supposed to mean. (she turns to face her self and snips 'quit fucking whining bitch' ... and this of course changes nothing. nice try, murmurs the whiner in her, and continues.) ... deep breath ... no that was it. for the moment, in any case, since i just found a nearly full pack of cigarettes and this was a relief only someone running out fast and too drunk to go get more could really appreciate, and i'm just much too pleased about that.