two hours? almost three. just the worst feeling, alone & helpless & isolated & all manner of neurotic thoughts attacking me in the adrenal glands & sending that wirebrush feeling up the back of my neck & through my hair. hyperbole? not enough to matter, or to bring my reaction to the DSL going down this afternoon anywhere near the realm of normal.
as i was pacing around the parking lot attempting to coax the connection back into the building with my inattentiveness, i thought at least an hour's worth of thoughts in about four minutes, oddly enough beginning with the unfortunate side effect of my devout agnosticism, which is that i cannot pacify myself with prayer; i do understand why humankind is compelled to invent one deity after another & believe in them with that blind faith, which i wish i had the capacity for, but no. then i thought about sex, & this recent survey i saw that asked is sex the ultimate communication & i thought about that for a very spinny minute indeed, but even that couldn't distract me from the disconnectedness at hand & from there, i veered off on a strange tangent to the unrealistic nature of my postapocalyptic dreams of kicking ass, when truth is i'd be holed up in some abandoned ISP somewhere trying to connect with something & my god what would i do without this website i mean what the fuck would i do without the internet? do junkies even think this way about heroin? do they try to imagine life without it & conjure only a nightmare in which any projection of a normal life is simply absorbed into the horrible howling void?
thinking of suggesting i step away from the computer? bite me.
Not a chance! As soon as the implantable modes come out, I'll let you know...
I go through the same thing on those occasions when I have to be away. I am so relieved when I come home to the gentle glow of my IMAC
i have a rather up front question.. do you.. being an agnostic.. look at those of faith.. as well.. blind? I don't know if that's what i'm trying to say.. but yanno what i mean?
no. i just am not hardwired that way - i tried & tried & tried & tried -- & i can't get past the skepticism. when i say tried, i mean, over years & years in several different settings. i wanted it. but my brain just doesn't have that mode. it's got a lot of other defects as well.
i always wanted the comfort of belief. well, i used to, i'm fine with it now because i am not ... when i was searching for this i was a teenager & young adult & very very desperately in need of comfort. i tried religion, i tried being really drunk all the time, i tried all sorts of things. my parents sent me to all manner of counselings & interventions. turns out, i just needed to learn to be my own comfort. i'm the only one that can do it, in my case, i'm just kind of ... different. so i take care of me, best i can. mostly, writing, creating, things like that. had to figure it out on my own, none of the normal things ever helped. i'm still a mess, but i'm so much less a mess it's not even funny.
...less of a mess is a good place to be.
...joining you in those thoughts.
funny agnosticism. i claim to be agnostic. which is to say that i claim that i believe in higher powers and will invent numerous ones in my head. which may mean that i am beyond saving, psychologically speaking.
just seems more interesting that way.
less of a mess is always a good place to be.