how i have raced my self from one end of the story to the other. how i have not dealt well with all of these losses, there's never a win without one. how it all comes back to the falling. how i cannot stop to save my life. how amazing this all feels.
these things i would explain if i could, or at least elaborate since explanation would require some understanding of the situation, more than i have.
it was absolutely a lifetime ago i wrote what follows, and for the record i am indeed appreciative of the cataclysmic aspects of this madness. i am!
and exactly what in the name of all holy fuck will i do if/when i get what i want?
in my life i have wanted, and i have gotten, and in general there was little or no aforethought given to the aftermath of the getting. nedless to say there has been some � unpleasantness? generally involving me bitterly muttering �be careful what you wish for� and then forgetting all about that and doing more wishing and, well, this time is different. it is. shut up. no, really, this time i�m going to brace for the impact. anecdotal evidence suggests that the resulting ruin increases in direct proportion to the intensity of the initial want, which in this case would bode ill except that the usual delusional emotional component is mostly absent, replaced with a rational practical approach which ...
is doomed. how doomed? utterly. and completely. doomed. measurably doomed. think richter scale. so what i�m saying here is i want � doom? well, no, i mean yes, well, you see for years i�ve been deliberately settling, a sedimentary process and yes it was a relief at first and now? now i am damn near insensate underneath layer upon layer and i am longing for cataclysm. (saying this i accept it and yet i would also welcome any non-ruinous outcome. as long as i can feel again.)
i am as aware of consequences as i am � aware, for what that�s worth and with this in mind understand that the specifics of the outcome do not matter, as long as i�m not numb while whatever happens ravages me. also i ought to mention that this does not in any way interfere with the wild optimism of these dreams i�m hiding underneath the steaming pile of fatalistic cheer. not that it�s steaming, or even a pile, it�s just that it would be disingenous of me not to mention steam. or piles. so let the record show that they were mentioned. offhandly. in passing.... as long as i can feel again. well, there you go. wishes do come true, never doubt that.
(((liz)))
no everything's fine, really, i just get moody at like, four in the morning.
actually, i wasn't even all that moody, not in a bad way, i was coming off of a moody bit, but i was really celebrating the whole, feeling things thing. because i really did want to, and it really was a long time numb. and i really do feel things now. so, that's a good thing.
K'. Feeling is a Good Thing (numb is just marking time).