miscellaneous pathology: August 2003 Archives

there is approximately one thing in my life that isn't wretchedly stressful right now, and that's being not-fat for the first time in years and years. screw health benefits, screw appearances, what's really fun about this is buying pants. i love to buy little pants. now finances are one of the biggest stresses i've got, but i still manage to shop every week. this week it was four pairs of pants: 1 pr. low rise stretch khakis (express), 1 pr. flowery beachy low-rise capris (mossimo), 1 pr. limited boot cut jeans, 1 pr. unionbay shortalls. TCO = $3.96.

yeah, i raided whatsisname's change jar to buy pants i didn't need unless you consider the sort of happiness that results from indulging in odd fixations to be a need. i do, especially in times of stress, but ... well, i can name at least one person who vehemntly disagrees (and does so in a tone of voice usually reserved for the discovery of dogshit on shoes).

i am going to really enjoy getting away from that tone of voice. i wonder if its echoes will ever fade completely away, though, it's gotten so he can be berating me without even knowing he's doing it, or even what i've done to deserve it.

dammit. that does need to stop, doesn't it? well, i'll be needing more change, the only way to deal with this sort of thing is keep shopping the 99� rack until i can do so completely free of any lingering aftereffects of the last dozen years.

it'll be rough, but i'm determined.

... the ones you see, and the ones you don't see.

i'm seeing this one, yes i am. he is making his way across the wall in front of me at ceiling level. my camera had killed its batteries and reset itself to just hq images, and so i was on 640×480 when he was at my level. whatsisname says "don't climb on the table". i bet the table would hold me, he's just being an asshole. well mr. spider's almost to the corner and i can stand on a chair we know chairs hold me we won't even ask about the chair will we, no sir these are my fears i'm determined to face them.

now you see, that was two, two, two fears in one. heights and spiders. i'm still scared witless but i can get the macro mode to focus better than this, however making my hands not shake is another matter entirely. i'm goin' back up there though.

ok. this is standing on the arm of a couch with one very wobbly leg (the couch, not me, my legs wanted to wobble but i wouldn't let 'em), balancing with one hand on a wobbly bookcase, extending my arm almost all the way out, and don't forget the double fearwhammy thang i had going.


my hair is crawling my skin is standing on end. oh man. i wanted to kill him, but at some point it began to seem ... rude. and i kept trying to get better shots, better focus, even though in zoom/macro, handsteadiness really matters and i was getting worse, not better. after the last batch, well, he vanished, last seen right over my couch heading south. which is fine i wasn't planning on sleeping ... ever.

not a record by any means, but still. so many messes to clean up. so not very much time but enough, definitely enough. well, has to be enough, more or less.

opened up a can o' whoop ass this morning, breakfast not necessary was back to the sleep-eating thing last night, maybe preparing for the fact i went ahead and said whether any of the rich people in chris's life buy the place we live in, that i plan on making the sixty day notice we received my own personal moveout date. october fifteenth.

if absence makes the heart grow fonder, i should be hopelessly in love with my own mind right now. oh, it's worse than even that sentence, this is.

it's been a focus-free existence for the past ... however long, who remembers these things? weeks, perhaps a month or two. prior to this, focus was difficult but possible in a pinch (actually, the pinch is pretty much required); now life is this huge batch of pinches, and focus? what?

i've made pledges and promises and vows, i've resolved, i've been determined, i've spoken of it, as in, this is. and yet? nothing yet. but i tell you what, this really is it. this here. is. it. i mean it.

i must admit i'm somewhat concerned by the fact i'm sitting here still nattering on about it instead. of what? you know, i'm not sure. i'm sure whatever it is, or rather whatever they are, that they are absolutely essential, not to mention required, compulsory, and unavoidable. and urgent! whatever. i'll get to it. them. you know.

you know, and then you don't know, you know?