my inner lizard: April 2003 Archives

i sense a crying need in the world. yea, verily, this idea was briefly & jokingly discussed at work last week, & it was good. & lo, upon me this night, it comes to this: people need leading. especially those who eschew the traditional 'normal' socio-political paradigms of leadership. shit. did i just say paradigm? i did. & i hereby forgive the word paradigm for all that whoring around the corporate world a few years back & declare it now officially appealingly nouveau-retro.

i mean, why not? why not declare ourselves enlightened leaders of ... people who would believe that sort of thing?

so far it's me, Scott, & Jett.**

so what ... would we be doing, you ask? well, we're gonna form a movement. to paraphrase the inimitable arlo, if three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people, they may think it's an organization. and can you, can you imagine fifty people, i said fifty people? and friends they may thinks it's a movement.

not a cult. a movement.

**coincedentally these are two (maybe even the only two) people who recognized me as the alterego of whoever it was that i was, in advance of having it whispered to them in their comment boxes.

the logo needs work. what do you expect from someone who didn't get home till two in the morning (three full hours after finally leaving work)?

there might even be pictures. there are pictures! they might not be webbable, but i do have them.

we'll see, won't we?

within a minute of waking, monday announced itself to me in angry stressful terms & went downhill from there, feeling like the sound brakes make when they're worn down to the rotors & being applied against inertia in desperation, the kind of sound you hear with your teeth.

there was more to the metaphor at first -- it went on to mention the addition of 'in flames' to downhill due to an explosion of a stockpile repressed ammunition too unstable to be used for communication purposes or somesuch. & then it got hopelessly entangled in itself & began to whine piteously, so it was sent off to spend the day in draft status & reflect on its erroneous ways.

whether it escaped or was eaten by the voracious depression i stuffed in there with it, we'll never know. both are currently missing, & while they are certainly not missed, their absence is a little alarming, considering the circumstances & all.

feckless: hopeless, incautious, ineffectual, irresponsible, meaningless, reckless, shiftless, weak, wild, worthless. purposeless. some days the URL is used ironically, on others it fits like skin. & irony does abound these days, just not where the URL is concerned.

i'm calm. in fact i'm much calmer than i ought to be, considering the circumtances. what do you suppose the chances are of me completing an entire bankruptcy filing in, say, 4 hours?

it can be done in pen. i have a nice pen! i like my pen, it's pretty.

a spider almost landed on my head today. it was just a wee tiny thing, but still. i could have a spider in my hair. but i don't! that i know of. anyway. things are going well, yes, certainly very well.

it's been a month since monday, but it zoomed past at mindbending speed. the things set aside in favor of more urgent matters are fast becoming emergencies in their own right, & the more intense this gets, the more tangential my response. faced with twice as much to do as i have time in which to do it, i will invariably obsess on something else entirely, & afterall it's only fair. if i were to address the things that need doing knowing i could not do them all, it would mean choosing some over some others, & what does that say about those poor urgent others? sorry i failed you, i had important things to attend to. but if i avoid everything in general, i can offer comfort in the form of don't feel bad, you're not alone in being undone, see? no things whatsoever were accomplished in any way.

it's all too important not to fail to accomplish in equal measure.

at some point, of course, even the most whimsical interpretation falls away & leaves me feeling this chilling disappoinment with my ownself, unhappy to be the sort of person i'm not unhappy enough about to change.

& so i have reached a level of exhaustion i myself can hardly imagine, & i have nothing substantial at all to show for it. & as empty as this is & as justifiable as it isn't, there is a sense of trueness to self; this is who i am, it is what i do. at some point i will find whatever necessary & manage minimally, to the extent i can weave a little spin between what was done & what should have been, & have it hold. as empty as this is, as justifiable as it isn't.