fear & loathing in vons

so you’re in the supermarket with stevie nicks singing silent night over the store speakers & it hits you. what is it? it is whatever it is that hits you, sometime in december, something irresistably sad & you find yourself softly singing to yourself & leaking from the eyes. you would have been mortified by this in your younger days but these days, perversely, you hope someone sees you & it maybe gives them pause. what is this new social rebel in you, that cares naught for restraint & sameness? who knows. it’s there. it might signify some sort of mental illness, but since it is so mild & so situational, you simply carry on.

thank heavens it is seasonal. not the whole winter just the december part, which is technically mostly fall, but whatever. it probably started when you spied orion in the heavens & slipped back several decades to when that sight meant rejoicing over another year older & another christmas & all the only-child spoiling those events once meant. it set you reflecting on the lean times at hand, something strikingly resembling self-pity.

you’re not sure what to do about this, so you simply carry on.

5 thoughts on “fear & loathing in vons

  1. Last night, I started to cry at dinner, as I was telling my honey how little money I have for Christmas this year. I always get so sad EVERY year, because I’m always poor (I’m a student) and wish that I could buy more things for people that I love…and I can’t. But why do I complicate it, you know? My folks are happy with hugs, my husband is thankful for my presence. Yet I want so much to do MORE. It WAS so simple when we were young…we expected less out of OURSELVES then, don’t you think? And from the world…

  2. Okay, I will try to rewrite what was lost:
    We cry over Christmas songs because it reminds us of an age of innocence that we will never get back. When we were young, we thought as we got older, it would all make sense and we would “get it”.
    But we still search, probably more so as we get older. When we were younger, we searched with more care for Christmas gifts, we had very little money. So it was nylons for mom, and handkerchiefs for dad. And they liked them. Now when we go shopping, there is too much: so much clothes on racks,that they lie on the floors, too many sales, too many people hurrying to go nowhere. Too much anxiety. When I hear Nat King Cole singing
    “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” I will still cry. The past somehow seems much more sane and optimistic than the present. We all look at the future with trepidation now. We’ve grown up..but sometimes I wish I was that little girl buying gifts for under $2 for Christmas.

  3. this is so true. we remember our younger days with that same kind of soft focus that photographers do when the’re taking “glamour” shots of gals who are, you know, my age… all fuzzy & glowing.

    it’s so entirely different when you approach christmas as the mom, when the kids have bonded with all manner of expensive, electronic toys & suddenly christmas is about bankruptcy.

    that being said, even if i weren’t stressed, stevie’s rendition of silent night, so simple, so heartfelt, would have brought tears to my eyes anyway, no doubt.

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