so first there was law & order on the tv. this is why i usually always stay up till the tv goes off, because i am drawn into the compelling storylines, annoyed at that pretty dark-haired bitch DA, & disturbed by the tragedies portrayed.
finally off goes the tv. i am wide awake. thoughts popping like popcorn on the surface of my mind. i try to visualize this process, & focus on quieting the popping. problem is, i’m narrating this to myself as i do it, just more thoughts & words to bounce around. i realise this narration is in fact the same thing i always do, describe things to myself so i can write them for you later. i consider getting up & doing just that, then think i’m just not trying hard enough, that maybe a mantra might help, so i search for one. i try this word & that word & remember that ohhhhhm thingy, which i attempt, briefly, but there is too much static.
so i get up, & post this. i’m feeling quite a bit of misplaced energy still but at least i’ve gotten these words out of my system.
chat tempts me. i resist. i go back to bed. after i check my email one last time.