i have quite the history. let’s not go there now, k? k. however, having survived some forty-something years on this planet, i can claim some life experience, & every now & again something comes into focus, a pattern that defines a general rule.
i am talking about miracles. holiday (that would be christmas in my case) miracles. they have happened in some years & in others, failed to happen in such spectacularly miserable ways. i cannot, however, think of one exception to this rule: that the prevalence of miracles rises in direct proportion to the intentions in effect at the time. i have never been doing a horrible job keeping my life together & been saved from my own shortsightedness. however any time i’m trying my ass off, but still struggling, somehow my struggles are rewarded, in such serendipitous ways.
take this year. trying really hard, having some staggering setbacks, continuing to try, & ending up short of my hoped-for goals. up until yesterday, i was harboring resentment about lack of holday recognition from my company. i held my bitterness inside, until yesterday, a sudden zen-like awareness caused me to realise i should speak my mind, & express my thoughts about bonuses to my bosses. at first this was met with resistance, but today, i found an envelope from one boss, addressed ?bah humbug? & containing a c-note, on my keyboard. furthermore, an email arrived today notifiying me that my paycheck would be a bit fatter than normal. considering the OT i’ve worked, it will be a miraculous check indeed.
why is money such an important factor? because i am the mom, certain expectations exist, & i would not have been able to fulfill them without this infusion of cash. also, considering the taxi business went bust just a month ago, taking mass cash with it, presents were the least of the december worries for us — rent was a concern. it is now assured.
yes, this has bought me a reprieve. & that makes me happy.