quiet joy, mild guilt

it was a good christmas. i dreamt of doing more, but less turned out to be ok. a lot of not-so-small miracles saved the whole month for us, not just christmas, & for that i am ever grateful, even as i feel slightly sheepish for being in a position to need miracles. there were some things that i could have done to prevent the situation, but other things were totally out of my hands, so i have no way of knowing if things would be that different, even if i’d been more responsible. we are still on the edge (financially), but on the edge is better than over it.

i realised i hadn’t even sent my parents a card. in fact, somewhere in a box around here i still have an anniversary card i bought them some four years ago — i always forget to send the cards. they are used to this, unfortunately. i also forget to get film developed, but between my little digicam & email, i do manage to send holiday greetings. i feel lazy for being this way.

i almost forgot to call the parents, but i was on the way to the store & it occurred to me to do so. i have not re-entered my phone book since switching phones, but happily enough, my number-forgetting mind managed to remember, and we had a nice talk. my parents have health problems, which my dad has the tendency to tell me about in great detail. i am as supportive as i can be, all the while resolving never to tell my own kids what goes on during a coloscopy when or if the time comes. i’ll just allude to a ?procedure? & leave it at that.

other resolutions are forming, more immediate resolutions, not necessarily in honor of the upcoming new year, but the result of a gradual transformation in which i continue to settle into my life, as it is. things i’m going to do better from now on, based on the little regrets i’m feeling at this moment.

2 thoughts on “quiet joy, mild guilt

  1. don’t concentrate too hard on the regrets dear kd….
    onward through the fog! you are very kind and that carries it’s own special momentum…a powerful one.

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