adventures with the daughter

i’m sitting here enjoying my first beer of the evening, a newcastle this time (payday=splurge). why so late? well, truth be told, i’m not feeling all that well.

it started out innocently enough. had to pick up the daughter at a health food store. we weren’t a block down the street when she pulls out this bottle, which she assures me is something that is so good for me, i must have some. she fills the dropper full of liquid & i say, oh, you’re going to put something under my tongue (the way with most nasty-ass herbal remedies). she says no, on your tongue. it’s good, she says. she squirts it in the back of my mouth & says, urgently, swallow! swallow!

it burns, i say. IT BURNS. what the hell is that stuff? welllll, she says, it’s onions, & garlic, & horseradish. oh, i can taste the horseradish, i say. she continues, & haba?ero peppers, in cider vinegar. ARGHHHH, i say (keep in mind, i’m driving in evening traffic). she goes on to prattle about how it cures warts, poor posture, cancer, ingrown toenails, oh, i don’t really remember what all it cures, because at the time, i was gasping for air, clawing at my throat, & trying to negotiate a left hand turn into the bank parking lot in traffic.

as i get ready to go into the bank, she’s got another dropperful ready. NO, i say, i have to be able to think in the bank. when i return, she reassures me that the second time, it’s not as bad. might i add that this is simply NOT TRUE. this time, there’s more of it, & it squirts right into the back of my throat. this time, my eyes are tearing, my ears are ringing, & yes, i’m driving. she asks offhandedly if i retain garlic odor, & tells me rather smugly, that she does not. it makes your breath stink, she offers helpfully. yeah, like i didn’t know that. this is breath that you can taste all the way to your toes.

by the time i drop her off, i am still burning, sniffling, watering, & huffing for air. fifteen minutes & two errands later, the burning is beginning to subside, & i’m burping noxiously. strangely, i’m craving some more – perhaps it’s that rush. as i complete my errands, doing my usual singing along with the radio, i notice that my vocal range is quite a bit deeper, which might have sounded nice had i not been so phlegmy.

i get home, munch some extra strength antacids, wolf down my fast food burger without being able to taste it at all, & curl up for a nap. i wake up, headachy, burnt out, almost hung over. i think energy is one of the things it is supposed to give you, so i guess that craving was some symptom of the comedown. probably why my daughter was telling me she drinks it all day long — it’s liquid crack, is what it is. & it BURNS. but, it does have a nice rush.

10 thoughts on “adventures with the daughter

  1. Oh. My. Gawd. Of course it cures everything from cancer to the common cold… that stuff INCINERATES all microbes and bacteria! And the top layer of your skin, and the lining of your stomache, and the shellac off the floors….

  2. well, zuchris, that puts a little different spin on things — i hadn’t thought of all those times with the dropperful of nasty stuff i knew was good for her, that she didn’t want to take. heh. kinda almost like payback is a mother, yes?

  3. You might want to let the daughter know that stuff’ll grow hair on her chest. Some folks like that look, but it’s always good to know what you’re in for.

  4. yeah, i was kind of worried about the chest hair…

    i do know that she’s very much into the spicy food, so the stuff probably didn’t affect her quite like it did me, however by the gleeful way she described the facial expressions of the various people she’d introduced to this magical elixir tells me that her motivation was more mischevious than health-related.

    i’m sure that stuff is somewhat healthy. it does, uh, clean you out some.

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