i’m sitting here enjoying my first beer of the evening, a newcastle this time (payday=splurge). why so late? well, truth be told, i’m not feeling all that well.
it started out innocently enough. had to pick up the daughter at a health food store. we weren’t a block down the street when she pulls out this bottle, which she assures me is something that is so good for me, i must have some. she fills the dropper full of liquid & i say, oh, you’re going to put something under my tongue (the way with most nasty-ass herbal remedies). she says no, on your tongue. it’s good, she says. she squirts it in the back of my mouth & says, urgently, swallow! swallow!
it burns, i say. IT BURNS. what the hell is that stuff? welllll, she says, it’s onions, & garlic, & horseradish. oh, i can taste the horseradish, i say. she continues, & haba?ero peppers, in cider vinegar. ARGHHHH, i say (keep in mind, i’m driving in evening traffic). she goes on to prattle about how it cures warts, poor posture, cancer, ingrown toenails, oh, i don’t really remember what all it cures, because at the time, i was gasping for air, clawing at my throat, & trying to negotiate a left hand turn into the bank parking lot in traffic.
as i get ready to go into the bank, she’s got another dropperful ready. NO, i say, i have to be able to think in the bank. when i return, she reassures me that the second time, it’s not as bad. might i add that this is simply NOT TRUE. this time, there’s more of it, & it squirts right into the back of my throat. this time, my eyes are tearing, my ears are ringing, & yes, i’m driving. she asks offhandedly if i retain garlic odor, & tells me rather smugly, that she does not. it makes your breath stink, she offers helpfully. yeah, like i didn’t know that. this is breath that you can taste all the way to your toes.
by the time i drop her off, i am still burning, sniffling, watering, & huffing for air. fifteen minutes & two errands later, the burning is beginning to subside, & i’m burping noxiously. strangely, i’m craving some more – perhaps it’s that rush. as i complete my errands, doing my usual singing along with the radio, i notice that my vocal range is quite a bit deeper, which might have sounded nice had i not been so phlegmy.
i get home, munch some extra strength antacids, wolf down my fast food burger without being able to taste it at all, & curl up for a nap. i wake up, headachy, burnt out, almost hung over. i think energy is one of the things it is supposed to give you, so i guess that craving was some symptom of the comedown. probably why my daughter was telling me she drinks it all day long — it’s liquid crack, is what it is. & it BURNS. but, it does have a nice rush.