i am not easily overwhelmed, but it’s been an emotional train wreck of a week for me. this culminated last night in a round of wine-box draining & some emails that had me wishing for the “unsend” button this morning. i even hid them from myself, deleting the sent items & clearing the deleted items & emptying the recycle bin & defragging the hard drive… well, almost. anyway.
this is not the sort of thing you tell people casually & i feel very questionable about posting it. one of those conversation stoppers, you know. makes people say oh, i’m very sorry to hear that, while backing away slowly… well, almost. anyway.
last sunday, the twentieth of january, 2002, would have been my son Alex’s 18th birthday. instead of spending the day in quiet reflection or something, i was out having the time of my life. i would like to say it was my way of flipping the bird to death & loss but in reality i feel just a wee bit guilty. the way i feel every time someone asks me how many kids i have & i don’t include Alex in their number.
so, my joyous sunday was more rollercoaster than any ride could have been. on the way down, driving the beautiful coast highway, ?southern cross? came on the radio – that song brings back the time of my daughter’s birth, & Alex was only 13 months younger – they would have been such good friends. i… have to stop this now.
i have been emotionally raw all week, because i couldn’t get this out of my mind. now i’m raw & hungover (actually, that’s pretty much passed, thank goodness). i’m hoping posting it will help it settle back into the background; i know that writing this was instrumental to the initial healing. writing always is.