euphoria to despair, one moment to the next. all the time. if i am bipolar, i have the shortest cycle imaginable. not sure why this is. healthy/whole to fragmented/sick in seconds. tired, wired, excited, numb, rush, crash.
i imagine myself at some point in the future looking back on all this & wondering how i survived. at that point i will be contented, fulfilled, complete. i think this is possibly only an insane fantasy, considering the present facts, & my history.
there are a few constants within these wild mood swings & they may in fact be the causes/inspirations/reasons why this happens. emotions, unrequited ones, quite powerful ones. obsessions that colour my days psychedelic 60’s hazy bright, occasionally exquisite but more often than not disturbing & chaotic. i’m in something here, & what it is isn’t good for me, but better or worse, here i am.
overall, i am quite delighted with the situation & have high hopes for the eventual poem or two, this is where they come from. this place, this mess, right here/now. i worry that this delights me, but better or worse, this is me.
it’s a quiet night on the internet & i’m preparing to click over to chat, to fill the rest of this evening & distract me from my self. i do love this life; better or worse, it is mine, what i have created &/or brought upon myself.