fierce cravings

i’m not a nervous wreck, i’m not frantic. but i can feel the craving, a fierce & urgent energy. i ran out several hours ago, more or less on purpose. yeah, again. hey, i’m trying. don’t know if i’m ready but i’ll take all this trying as a good sign, if you don’t mind. & recently, even in the times i wasn’t trying, the idea has been there, & these things are all new, well, new to this particular episode of quitting.

how many times have i quit? three, for periods of several months to a little over a year. four, if you count circumstances beyond my control. always, the giving it up was wretched, the going back was bliss.

i don’t know where i’m going with this. how about, to bed early? yes.

5 thoughts on “fierce cravings

  1. If you are really ready you will know. One day you will just wake up and say I am done. Now that does not make temptation go away. Ever. So a hour, a day, a week, a month, or a year from now, remember why you started trying. Because that is the only way to keep going. Hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. Keep trying.

  2. i’m just not sure if i’m really trying yet or not. it’ll either happen or it won’t… i’m very ambivalent.

  3. It’s been well over a year, and I still miss them. I know I’m healthier without them–no heartburn, more stamina, more money–but I still miss them.
    You’ll do it when you’re ready, kd.

  4. hmmmm…
    when you want to run away and you can’t–I’ll give you the perfect place to goto-even if its in yer mind:
    Aran Islands off the coast of Galway Ireland.
    Cliffs 350 feet high. Waves smashing against them. Seagulls flying. Air Clear. The sun and winds bears down on you….
    You feel absolutely alive and wonderful…..
    I was there and that’s where I “run to”….

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