only hope

so the current tangent i’m off on seems to be these issues with quitting things (like smoking) & other attempts at abstinence. i have a problem with abstinence. i will struggle for moderation in ways that seem excessive, but i maintain they are not, simply because i’d be failing then, wouldn’t i? ok then.

i find posting a lot helps but the precipitous drop in comments has me concerned that i’m getting boring. oh well fuck it. this is my therapy & as such it does not have to be interesting all the time. if this is tedious to you, well, come back another time, things change around here. it’s always so different from one week to the next i often wonder, what IS my purpose here? i always fancied that if i had a site with a central theme, it would be more expressive. expressing my difficulties with focus as a way of defining who i am, maybe. hmm. what exactly am i saying?

i am not sure but i’ll know later when i come back to re-read this. read between my own lines. that’s another reason i’m here, writing this, it is the ideal medium for what i just described. especially the ediiting part. i try not to do too much, but when i need to, i really do need to.

i’m going nowhere with this? maybe not. we’ll see.

15 thoughts on “only hope

  1. It isn’t that I find it tedious…but unless I actually know what I want to say, I tend to say nothing, which is why I babble so ferociously when I do speak.

    If you’ll allow me to be honest, there’s a lot in your life that I don’t know about and can only glimpse from the edges based on what you have written…things I know nothing about and would be presumptuous to address. I personally agree with the Greek idea of Arete, the idea of a life lives in balance and moderation, but there seems to be more in your life than a mere search for control over obsessions.

    The idea of writing as a quest to define problems is old, and I find it helps me, so I can only support your attempt as well. But what do I know of you? Not enough to be of any help. Enough to wish you well, of course, and I do. God, I wish anyone with half a brain and the desire to do right in their lives well. It’s so hard sometimes to know what you should do, who to hurt and how much in exchange for less pain later, what path to take and what to shun.

    Man, I am babbling my ass off. Anyway, yes, it most certainly your site and you should post whatever inspiration directs you to. People don’t always post comments, but if you live for that, you’ll find yourself hamstrung by your need for feedback, kept from writing about what’s dearest to you. Don’t do that. You’re interesting and intelligent and you don’t need to cripple yourself…not that I think you will, but sometimes it’s good to get a reminder.

    Anyway, that’s all from me. Be well. Have a good time, and by all means, write.

  2. you’re right, Matt, searching for approval in the comments section is, or can be, quite pavlovian. but you know a great comment section is entertainment of its own. but there are other sites that do that better than i ever could.

    just trying to find my place in all this. still. oh well, i suppose when i do get it all figured out, i’ll be about done with it. i honestly hope that never happens.

  3. i like the pavlovian comment; i know that, on my own blog, i like comments too. but, then again, i have to ask myself why i’m writing… then that sets off yet another “why i blog” meme and i don’t really want to do that right now. maybe the person who said that “blogging is an extreme form of arrogance” had something right after all? i certainly know that my last essay took me in a direction i’ve not really been before. the comments measured that as well.

    nonetheless, just so you know, i bop over here quite often, check in, read, think a bit, read the comments, decide if i really have anything to contribute, then comment (or not).

    to be honest, sometimes i just can’t quite relate in any meaningful way, and so i don’t muddy the waters. that doesn’t mean i’m not reading or don’t care. 🙂

    hey, maybe i just ought to leave some kind of pawprint so you’ll know i’ve been by? 😉

  4. The comment issue also depends on what you’re talking about. Looking over my site the past few days, you’ll see that I get more comments on posts about my girlfriend, weird dreams about Tom Cruise, Caffeine and Weblogging (posts that bloggers more easily relate to) than I did on my screed about Enron, alternate Medieval history involving power armor, bizarre stories about a viking doing battle with the fomor or my favorite post of the past few weeks, the King Arthur/Geoffrey of Monmouth post. Sometimes the posts that work the best for me generate the least comments, and I long since learned to live with it because there wasn’t much else to be done.

    People don’t always know what to say. Sometimes it’s because they’re bored, sometimes just because they don’t know what you’re talking about, sometimes just because they don’t feel like commenting. Like I said, it’s not helpful to let that control what you write. Commentary’s cool, but it’s ultimately just a nice irrelevance.

  5. Matt: “I get more comments on posts about my girlfriend”

    Hear, hear. I look at the number of comments I’ve gotten recently (never a large nbr anyway) and find that the posting with the largest response was about my memories of sporting events as trigger mechanism for larger memories. Certainly not the links I put up there to news stories. I suspect it’s like Matt said, people relate.

  6. you’re not boring KD, not by a long shot. no worries there.

    people seem to want more personal posts. so i post personal stuff and the comments go silent. go figure 🙂 maybe it’s that people just don’t know what to say to more emotional posts.

  7. it is true that the best of posts tend to leave me somewhat speechless — like Matt’s posts, often there is just no coherent way to comment on them (unless he is talking about caffiene or Tara). & more personal or emotional stuff is definitely more awkward for commenters.

    & also, when i stick to the same subject for days on end, people have said what they had to say, even if i keep having stuff i can say about it. right? ok.

  8. Well, I don’t think you’re boring. I keep coming back everyday. And look forward to seeing you again at BlogCon. Remember that weblogs aren’t real life. And if you don’t get lots of comments it doesn’t mean much of anything.

    Matt doesn’t get lots of comments. Does that mean he’s boring? Hardly.

    I get lots of comments because I use the Jedi/Metafilter mind trick – “Hey everybody! Here’s a link to something funny about air. I really like air. Do you like air? What sort of air do you like? Bill Gates hates air because he’s evil. Bush doesn’t get enough sir, so he’s an idiot.”

    Works every time. People actually think I’m interesting, but nothing could be further from the truth.

    Flat Stanley and I are going to hit the town and wear ourselves out on booze and hookers. That sounds interesting, but I think it just means I have something seriously wrong with me.

  9. i wasn’t so much worried about the lack of comments as i was about acutally, really, being boring. if that makes any sense at all. i know i do go on about one thing or the other (next: the joys of justifiable homicide. no, not really).

    hey, maybe i just ought to leave some kind of pawprint so you’ll know i’ve been by? 😉 – well, the stats are actually up, so yeah, there are footprints. i just whine sometimes.

    that entry should have been titled: i’m really rather stoned but at least i don’t want a cigarette so i’m babbling about whatever pops into my mind. that would have been more accurate.

  10. Lack of comments means nothing. My traffic versus my comments are sooo out of proportion. I really don’t write to attract traffic or to be an exhibitionist, but I agree it gets weird when the comments get quiet. When i was between comments systems I got tons of mail demanding that I add comments back. I added the comments back, and you can practically hear crickets chirping when you look for feedback to my posts.

    But see, you post about people not commenting and like lemmings we feel we must comment. Good trick!

  11. Sometimes I’ll drop by and read a site, and read the comments but – gasp! – actually find myself with nothing to say. Or am killing time between classes and can’t take time to actually type out a thought. But I read.

    A lot of the stuff I link to is because I want to go back and reread it later rather than be interesting – though I think I always have that in mind. I dunno, I worry a lot more about being boring in real life – but then I have to talk at a room full of people every day. If I bore them I have to watch them sleep. *sigh*

  12. i depend on blogs & bloggers for most of my interaction, well, for the interaction in which i care if i’m being boring or not. so, i do worry that i get repetitive when i go on & on about something that’s occupying major brain space over a period of time. of course, this is just me, the way i am, & it’s all i’m trying to be here, me.

    i just worry. not that much, but a little, yes.

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