i suspect i will have to be desperate for change in order to be its instrument, however i have my ways of making things happen, passive-agressively letting things happen to me, living by default. if anything is going to change i think that last part ought to go first. i am not saying i could be in control. i would just like to be less careening out of control down the pavement of my good intentions.
the question remains, am i desperate yet? & what, exactly would it take to get me there, & do i want to go there first to get where i’m headed eventually? do i need the detour through rock-bottom before i get to getting better?
i remember the swimming part of the dream (dream hangover still firmly in place, incidentally) — i remember feeling concerned that i’d be too short of breath, but jumped in & found i had no trouble. nice direct symbolic connection — i see it now. how did i not earlier? ahh, this is a good sign. it is.