the road to …

i suspect i will have to be desperate for change in order to be its instrument, however i have my ways of making things happen, passive-agressively letting things happen to me, living by default. if anything is going to change i think that last part ought to go first. i am not saying i could be in control. i would just like to be less careening out of control down the pavement of my good intentions.

the question remains, am i desperate yet? & what, exactly would it take to get me there, & do i want to go there first to get where i’m headed eventually? do i need the detour through rock-bottom before i get to getting better?

i remember the swimming part of the dream (dream hangover still firmly in place, incidentally) — i remember feeling concerned that i’d be too short of breath, but jumped in & found i had no trouble. nice direct symbolic connection — i see it now. how did i not earlier? ahh, this is a good sign. it is.

4 thoughts on “the road to …

  1. Why do you have to be “desperate” or “hit rock bottom” to change…
    You really don’t give yourself enough credit.
    You are a great person.
    You CAN do it..
    Actually, you can do anything you want to do. Its all up to you…..

  2. well, i think it all has to do with “how bad i really want to change”; you know, this is not an exercise in rational thought — if i was rational i would never have started smoking in the first place, i already knew they were bad then.

    at this moment, right now, i have been out driving around in the gorgeousness of the afternoon, & the thought of that satisfying nicotine rush right now is almost irresistable. i am a good procrastinator — i could “one more pack” it very, very easily right now. very, very easily.

  3. talk about beautiful afternoons…. the bike was calling this afternoon, but so was a report. on the one hand, 65F, sunshine, dry roads…. on the other, a deadline…. so, i worked on the report. i’m glad someone got to enjoy the outdoors. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *