fashion reviews

today we will review an apparent fashion trend that seems to have slipped in under the radar: i had no idea it was spandex season! but it is, at least at von’s.

girl 1: wearing skintight and very thin, bronze spandex pants with a slight flare at the ankle. the slightly shimmery fabric clung to her bethonged butt, showing off the wonders of a good workout program and a serendipitous gift of just the right padding. ?excellent?, i thought, watching the gently graceful undulations as she walked down the soup aisle, ?except, not a good choice if you don’t want strangely hypnotized people following you around the store.? conclusion: thumbs up.

girl 2: oh, honey. you have a cute figure, you do, don’t change a thing — except the low-rise stretch pants and the crop top. that, you should change. just a little more fabric, with a little less cling, and that little extra you would be oh, so hot, instead of just being, well, kinda clumpy in places. a pair of comfy hiphugger jeans and a wispy little shirt would still let you show off the cute navel ring, but please, dear, lose the lycra. conclusion: thumbs down.

this has been a public service announcement to make sure people understand that spandex, while comfy, has consequences. serious ones. be careful out there. you could put somebody’s eye out.

31 thoughts on “fashion reviews

  1. C.C.: you got it backwards. The quote from Hackers (and I know this because I use the expression liberally) is: “Spandex: it’s a privilege, NOT a right!”

  2. Ahh summer’s coming. Spandex in March is as good an indicator as that darned groundhog.

    Do you mean the Vons at the end of Main St? Freaky place, one of the freakiest in so cal.

  3. no, a perfectly ordinary vons on Thompson Blvd.

    i never thought of the vons on Main and the Avenue was particularly freaky — which means that i’m probably equally freaky, not to have noticed that.

  4. KD, you’d have a field day with all of the spandex-clad folks where I work. *sigh* They’re all met with a resounding THUMBS DOWN. And then some. *shudder*

  5. I dated someone once, years back, who was in a band (long before he knew me). He showed me his Senior Yearbook (1988) that had pictures of him and his then-girlfriend (I have heard far too many stories about her)… there was one with him and his Bon-Jovi-Back-Then hair, unctuous lip fuzz and SPANDEX PANTS, along with his white jacket that looked I think like Michael Jackson jackets that were oh-so-hip back then.

    I wanted to cry. Spandex + that guy = bad news.

    We broke up soon after. He’s married now and has a kid – they named it after one of his AOL screennames. I kid you not.

  6. imagine what the world would be like without public service announcements such as yours. the chunky middle age men repairing the staircase outside my office would be wearing spandex instead of carpenter pants. suburban women and men who currently do all their errands wearing sweats would be torture us in their spandex. it’s too much.

  7. well, now speaking of chunky middle aged men fixing things, do you suppose i ought to do one on VBC (visible butt crack)? mancrack is just not attractive, no matter what. another menace to society.

  8. I’m sorry, but I have never seen anyone who was capable of carrying off spandex. So in my opinion it is a privilege few people should have … I’ll even go so far as to say it should be outlawed unless the person is willing to pay for a special permit or something, and even then there should be a committee in charge of insuring the person will not offend the rest of us if they wear it. And don’t even get me started on the “butt-crack” issue. My hubby has started to have a problem with that in these later years (why is it always the older men?), and I’m thinking of sueing him for divorce on account of it. Yes, I know he is a good husband in every other way, but damn, it’s the little things that matter. Right?

  9. wow…i woke up with the thought ‘matter is neither created nor destroyed. my matter has a mind of its own.’ and i think that i had a bad dream about spandex. oh…i hope that i don’t have any dreams about man crack.

  10. Havn’t you heard? They are requiring that passengers on all flights arriving or departing in the United States wear Spandex cat suits and Birkenstocks.

  11. now stretch denim is another story. it is a good thing. good stretch denim doesn’t look stretched, doesn’t hurt when you have a big lunch, and gets baggy easy after the usual wash shrinkage. i live in stretch denim.

  12. She was dressed like that for shopping?
    What the hell does she wear when she goes out!
    Oh, I know..
    Did you hear about the new jeans that have painted whiskers on the crotch. Of course they are women jeans. What horror..
    Young women parading all their private areas for all to see, even in the daytime and men have sweaty buttcracks…
    Obscenely surrealisitic pillow if you ask me.
    I go shopping with a raincoat and nothing else on. This is not true, I just wanted to type it…I wanted to feel hip…

  13. hi:

    i heard levis will start selling a really low rise pair of jeans soon – anyone knows anything about that?

    – sara

  14. there’s some pretty low-rise stuff out there, seeing plenty of the thong peeking over the jeans. kinda tacky, really.

  15. Spandex is OK as long as they keep it on the running track or in the gym. You have to respect those that are trying.

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