fat – so?

melly is a tall, skinny girl. i am the opposite of the melly, a short, fat girl. i am seven inches shorter than melly, and i outweigh her by forty pounds? fifty? i do not know. i own no scale. when i went to the emergency room last week, i may have been at death’s door with almost no oxygen in my system, but i managed to steadfastly avert my gaze from the scale, and from my chart, where the number would have been written. usually i am all over reading the chart as they write in it, but not this time.

the weight is a symptom of the life i’ve led this past year. a sedentary existence, or rather a sedimentary one. i have settled. i am complacent, and preoccupied, and might be hiding behind the fat as some sort of avoidance mechanism. whatever the reasons, i’m a big girl now. and i’ve gotten that way within the last year. and i obsess.

now, melly was talking about the catty remarks (do you eat? are you anorexic?). yes, it’s a big issue nowadays, with the ongoing media fascination with thinness, and it’s also so completely inappropriate and rude to confront a thin, beautiful woman because of her thinness and beauty, but i guess women can be bitches. who knew?

i do not obsess over thin women. i do not resent them. i used to. i don’t now. i think i might be halfway to an uneasy acceptance of what i look like. who i am. if this is, indeed, me — i’m not sure yet. my obsession comes in the form of looking at every woman i see, every age shape and size, and what-iffing to myself, do i want to be like that? or that? or that? and this makes no sense, because this is me we’re talking about, and i need to decide what that is, for myself. and i’m not sure.

i know it’s unhealty to be this big, and i know my overall sense of well being suffers. i also know that there is some comfort in not worrying about every bite i take, and there is some solace in laziness, not doing anything about it, except obsessing which can be done sitting on my fat ass. i hope to finish up with the ass-sitting part of this obsession and get on with it — either get up and do something about it, or make peace with my self.

i’m tired of the indecision, more than anything else.

15 thoughts on “fat – so?

  1. When I left 13, I was pushing 225 pounds. Felt sluggish, slow… had overeaten at every meal and sat on my butt. Down to slightly below 200 now, still struggling and bouncing between 190 and 200 in binges, starvations… I’m actually getting used to the self-loathing, punishment, and insanity.

    I figure a month of binge-and-purge and my wife will hit me over the head with a chair. Want to lose weight? Marry a clousy cook!

  2. ack. It’s the exercise… or lack of. Maybe a chair that vibrated my ass cheeks or something would be cool… whoopsie! maybe not for that! (hmm…)

    I know my buttockal area is spreading from what it used to be. ‘cos exercise made it good… haven’t done that for a long time dagnabbit.

    Wanna go to the gym with me kd? ok, let’s go girl! For the health of it, ya!

  3. for me, it would be walking, i used to just love to walk. headphones on, good cd in the player, rushing out on endorphins. i loved it.

    but i am subject to inertia, and i am a body at rest. it takes such energy to change the states, from at rest, to in motion.

    i haven’t got there yet. but yes, the health is the main reason, the main motivation, and i hope to get there soon.

  4. Oh, I so identify. I’ve been working, quite unsuccessfully thus far, on the self-acceptance. So, dieting=no good. Self-acceptance=no good. What else is there?

  5. hey sweetie…i have wasted years on this–years that i can never get back. and i’m sick of missing out on life. i do best when i step out of myself and try to take care of myself like i would a loved one. i guess that i don’t usually include myself as a loved one, but sometimes when i do, then i have a good day. you are a fabulous web goddess,a fabulous mom and genuine friend to many—and that is pretty much all that matters.

  6. now, undertoad, that is something i was considering as i wrote this — why does it matter? i can be matronly and have that be me, because i have all these other things going for me. i guess it comes down to what kitty said, health. but, i’m not terribly unhealthy, i’m just tripping on the fact i’m a 41 year old size 15.

    i love you guys, you know that?

  7. for the first 35 years of my life, i never struggled with weight. with my fourth decade, however, my metabolism slowed down and i started gaining weight. in december 2000, i approached 200 pounds. this was too heavy for me and with the stress of my life, i found myself one day thinking i’d last another six months before i had a heart attack.

    one day, while over at the library, i stumbled on the book “body for life” by bill philips. i started the program using the tools that i already had in my house. in three months, i’d lost about 20 pounds and have kept it off by watching my diet and with moderate exercise.

    life intrudes on exercise time regularly, which is too bad. but, getting up and moving around is very important to me now.

    i could stand to lose another 20 pounds. that would put me at a my weight when i was 25 and that would be a great place for me to stay.

    this can be done; it’s worth it not for the impact on appearance, but for the impact on how one feels.

  8. Did you mention a clothing size kd? Have I taught you nothing??

    You are a beautiful, fun woman. I wish that were so easy to accept for you and me both. Maybe we should just get naked in front of the mirror some time and tell each other how sexy we are.

  9. uh, no mirrors for me, thanks. but i’m still convinced that yoga is the answer. i just need to make it a daily priority. of course, if we all did that with our chosen forms of exercise, i don’t think we’d be having this discussion.

    motivation! where’s the motivation?

  10. I tend to obsess over obsessing. If I’m not doing it (obsessing), I think I should; if I am doing it, I’m sure I need to be distracted from it. I’ve decided that I have to be at least somewhat obsessive about taking care of my health, but forgive myself when I’m not “perfect.”

    From my perspective, kd, you are an astoundingly brilliant star in the universe … and I say that having seen your photo as well as read your blog regularly for several months. Be kind to yourself in every way. You are worthy of our love and of your own.

  11. I sometimes obsess over thin women. I sometimes obsess over fat women. I mostly obsess over smart women.

    You have a stunning brain. Sexy as all geddout.

  12. wanna know what i think? – eat more diversely but less of it – chances are your body isn’t satisfied because it isn’t getting something it really neads – maybe walk arround a bit more but going overboard ain’t gonna do a bit of good – oh and consider yourself hugged by me reguardless … small chainges that are easy enough to be perminant are a hell of a lot more usefull then ‘crash’ anything … ~;)

  13. Make peace with yourself, honey. It’s the best thing you can do for you. I’m a chunkster. Hate it, but then love it. It’s a sick situation. I was born to be chunky and would have to starve myself something fierce to get anywhere close to thin. My goal weight is someone else’s starting weight, if you get my drift.

    Ah, I donno where I’m going with this. Sorry.

  14. s’ok, my goal weight is something like that too. i’d just like to weigh what i weighed when i started thinking, oh, i’m fat. i’d consider that a blessing now.

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