melly is a tall, skinny girl. i am the opposite of the melly, a short, fat girl. i am seven inches shorter than melly, and i outweigh her by forty pounds? fifty? i do not know. i own no scale. when i went to the emergency room last week, i may have been at death’s door with almost no oxygen in my system, but i managed to steadfastly avert my gaze from the scale, and from my chart, where the number would have been written. usually i am all over reading the chart as they write in it, but not this time.
the weight is a symptom of the life i’ve led this past year. a sedentary existence, or rather a sedimentary one. i have settled. i am complacent, and preoccupied, and might be hiding behind the fat as some sort of avoidance mechanism. whatever the reasons, i’m a big girl now. and i’ve gotten that way within the last year. and i obsess.
now, melly was talking about the catty remarks (do you eat? are you anorexic?). yes, it’s a big issue nowadays, with the ongoing media fascination with thinness, and it’s also so completely inappropriate and rude to confront a thin, beautiful woman because of her thinness and beauty, but i guess women can be bitches. who knew?
i do not obsess over thin women. i do not resent them. i used to. i don’t now. i think i might be halfway to an uneasy acceptance of what i look like. who i am. if this is, indeed, me — i’m not sure yet. my obsession comes in the form of looking at every woman i see, every age shape and size, and what-iffing to myself, do i want to be like that? or that? or that? and this makes no sense, because this is me we’re talking about, and i need to decide what that is, for myself. and i’m not sure.
i know it’s unhealty to be this big, and i know my overall sense of well being suffers. i also know that there is some comfort in not worrying about every bite i take, and there is some solace in laziness, not doing anything about it, except obsessing which can be done sitting on my fat ass. i hope to finish up with the ass-sitting part of this obsession and get on with it — either get up and do something about it, or make peace with my self.
i’m tired of the indecision, more than anything else.