life with me

i’m sorry to drag you nice people through this with me (again), but i really have to write about it.

it’s been thirty-six hours, give or take, since i’ve had a cigarette. that’s the longest i’ve gone in awhile, even the day i was in the e.r. for the asthma. yeah. i know. anyway, this conversation, this morning:

me: how many cigarettes do we have left?
him: two
me: oh
him: [comes into kitchen, tosses pack on computer table]
me: why are you doing that to me?
him: [takes back the pack]
me: what’s in there?
him: [opens pack so i can see] it’s the last cigarette.
me: i haven’t had a cigarette in 36 hours.
him: well, this is the last one. either you smoke it or i will. we aren’t buying any more.

everything went all fuzzy after that.

this is not what i had in mind. not commitments or even declarations of intent, and certainly not a pact. no. i was just procrastinating it. i was going to get to it eventually.

oh. i let him have that last one. i don’t like that kind anyway.

i’m not really quitting. those little vanilla cigar type things that come in the plastic tubes? i’m going to smoke those outside on the back porch when i have beers on the weekends. that’s the plan, k?

oh, and i wanted you to notice — how i asked a non-specific question designed to elicit a cigarette from him, and when it worked, i got all fussy about it. that’s just life with me.

40 thoughts on “life with me

  1. 36 hours. I feel your abstinence. You get warm and cold, your pulse up in 200 or so, you have headache, feel stressed, irritable, sick.. Or maybe I’m the only one who feel like that after a day without cigarettes ;o] Good luck, hope you make it =o)

  2. Link – Oh, believe me, I experienced that. The best part was when she would want a cigarette after sex.

    kd – To quote Blake, since it’s Poetry month and all, “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom./ Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by Incapacity./ He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence. ” Moderation and arete are fine things for those they serve, but there are people who require the furthest extremes. Not saying you’re one, not saying you aren’t, leaving that particular personal definition up to you.

  3. well. i am no stranger to excess, i have in fact celebrated it, even given myself over to it, any number of times.

    but in spite of my wild side, i find living in the suburbs driving a buick to be rather rewarding. worth giving up most of the wild things.

    physically, mentally, right now? i feel good. financially? well, finances are what caused this quasi-decision. so i’m happy to be putting effort into improving my lot in life.

    now, realize when i say “beers on weekends with little vanilla cigars”, there will be ample amounts of these things, most likely on friday nights. fridays will be happy nights. saturdays will have groggy mornings, and the rest of the weekend, for resting and playing un-excessively.

    i think that would be about the right balance. balance — a balance between prudence and excess. i like both things, for different reasons, at different times. (or, just call me an addict and be done with it).

  4. Another tool: one of those big insulated Aladdin-brand mega-mugs from the local Stop and Rob filled with water. …and a straw.

    Takes care of the oral thingy, takes care of the mouth thingy, and adds in the water you need anyway…

    Got one sitting here to help flush out all the Pepsi Twist and Red Bull…

  5. re: the anti-smoking commercials. every time i see the one with the rat on the sidewalk, i get down on the floor and start gasping for air. (yes i am just. that. stupid. lol)

    wtg kd!!! no matter what, you’ve done great going this long!!!

  6. 24 hours w/out a cig for me. I’m cranky. I’m light headed. I’m absent minded.

    I’m so close to having saved enough marlboro miles to get the iron lung. I feel like such a quiter.

    [sigh]

  7. well, so far i’m talking really fast, drinking tons of water, and thoughts are swarming like rabid mice on meth all throughout the maze of my brain, looking for …. nicotine, i suppose. i have gum but why?

    it’s 48 hours, thereabouts. chris misunderstood my “it’s not a commitment” this morning to mean “go buy yourself a pack” so he did. so, there are cigarettes in the house as there have been this whole time.

    but i don’t like that kind.

  8. cigarettes are icky. i’m not looking forward to hacking up a lung tomorrow.

    perhaps we should start a thread in which we analyse the color of our phlegm.

    or not.

  9. pete and i go through this procrastination cycle, too. often. almost word for word, action for action. one of us reluctantly agrees to quit in order to support the other, because, like Tracy said, you just can not quit with someone else in the house still smoking. i quit for 2 years, meantime, he went right on smoking. and i *pined* for those cigarrettes everytime he lit up. eventually i caved. call me weak, or what have you.

  10. When you’re having beers is the absolute time it is hardest not to smoke. I’ve been doing it for years, now, but it was hard at first. I’m with you, girl.

  11. kd, i am very proud. i know you aren’t actually quitting (as you have said about 534 times now), but i kind of hope you change your mind. i want you to be able to punish dirty raul when you’re 102.

    and it’s hard to talk dirty with one of those throat microphones.

  12. I ran out of cigarettes last night. I’m following your example and procrastinating. I’m just too lazy to get up and go to the store and buy them. My brand is now up to $4/pack. I’m thinking about going to the gym, working up a sweat and coughing all over everything until I wear myself out. Maybe then I’ll fall asleep before the cravings get bad.

    I could always chew some of the nicorette I have in my backpack. That seems like commiting to quiting. Maybe I’ll just tell C that I need some suggestions on how to satiate my oral fixation. She’s usually pretty good at thinking up alternatives.

  13. This sounds like a great plan, kd. It’s not “quitting;” it’s just a shift in your daily smoking plan. My issue is food, not ciggies: The word “diet” just makes me crave Doritos and spareribs; my eating plan allows me to make choices about what I *will* have, not so much about what I *won’t* have. I completely relate to the rebellious reaction when someone says I can’t or shouldn’t have something. OH. Yes. I. Can. And just to prove it … I. Will. Have. It. Right. Now. Best wishes with your new plan.

  14. i have the food issues too. i started smoking because i was getting too fat.

    then i realized a lot of why i was fat was all the beer. so while i’m not intending to give up beer, i have to cut down. just have to. calories, and expense — both not good. so since i smoke when i drink, quitting smoking came along — it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it does to me.

  15. on the way to work this morning i explained about the procrastinating thing to him, and told him about the little teeny cigars in the tubes and the back porch when i have weekends and beer (and money). and he said, it’s ok, i’ll just smoke [something else]. and so it’s agreed. a strange and creative compromise between quitting and continuing. one i can live with.

  16. I quit. Again. I quit March 3, 2002. Used the patch. Again. Smoking ex-gf out of the house, so I don’t even crave it. Well, I don’t crave it physically anymore. It’s so hard to quit when someone in the house is smoking. Nearly impossible. You must both commit to quitting. And then arm yourselves accordingly. Good luck.

  17. Thirty six hours…. I am wicked impressed. If I get down to two or three cigarettes in my pack, I have to run through, in my head, where my other pack is stashed, and how long it will take to get to it, and where the nearest store is in case I have to buy more.

  18. I’m feeling bitchy. Perhaps I need to dig up my nicorette. Hell, I kicked dilauded cold turkey, why the hell are these flaming paper tubes so damn hard to quit? Hey Phillip Morris! Fuck you.

  19. cigarettes are all manner of addictions: the nicotine, the comfort, the oral fixation, and for me they also fulfill my need to be a social rebel. every time i see one of those anti-smoking public service announcements, i react like “oh yeah? well, i’m not gonna be kept down by the man, man. fight the power!” or something similar.

    i have this naturally contrary nature, and that may be the worst part of kicking any addiction. i like to be the rebel. you tell me no-no? i say YES-YES.

  20. now wait just a minute. i’m not quitting. just not smoking cigarettes from packs. i am going to have little cigar-lettes on the weekends with my beers.

    this is just an adjustment to my addiction, not to be misconstrued as a total abandonment thereof.

  21. Further motivation: There is no smoking in my bed.
    Makes me wheeze. I’d make you go outside in the artic California weather.

    Congratulations kicking cigarettes. You know that a cigar is as bad as a pack of cigarettes, right? Don’t give me that look, I’m just saying…

  22. well, sure, a whole cigar. these things i’m talking about are rich, mellow vanilla cigar in taste, short cigarette in size, and cost from 60 to 90 cents apiece. they are quite small. and quite prohibitively expensive.

    i was doing well smoking those only on the occasions i would have beers, the actual (re-starting) smoking all the time happened last time i moved back in with chris.

  23. One of the best three weeks of my life was when my semi-girlfriend Aline decided to quit smoking and replace it with fellatio. She went back to smoking eventually, which didn’t surprise me…I’d been unable to find nictoine laced body oil.

  24. well. i’m dealing with the coffee no cigarettes. this morning, i only reached for a cigarette that wasn’t there once. and then i refused one that was. so i’m ok on that one.

    i’m limiting the beer to weekends (because i WILL smoke when i drink), and i’m going to have little bitty cigar-lettes for when i have the beers. after meals? no problem. i never even brought cigarettes to work with me, where i eat breakfast and lunch, so i don’t have the after meals habit thingy going.

    everything in moderation. including abstinence.

  25. Reverse psychologize? Ok, but it’s gonna get ugly.

    Cigarettes are soooo cool. There is nothing like a woman with a giant, malignant lung tumor to send me into paroxisms of lust and carnal mania.

    If you simply must quit smoking and you’re afraid of a little weight gain, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend crystal meth. Just don’t be square and snort the stuff. You can’t smoke it either. Shoot it!

    I guarantee that you will not be troubled by extra pounds. Needle addiction is so sexy and it shows the world how committed you are. There is nothing that says ‘I’m my own person’ to the world like a series of abcessed track marks. mmmmmmmm.

  26. sixty hours. a little fussy this morning, otherwise, well, it’s thursday, and if i can find some money by tomorrow, i can have a couple little bitty cigars and some beers. we’ll see.

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