so in the wake of the tragic kidnapping/murder of a 5 year old in southern california (in spite of the fact she did know about stranger danger, the stranger just grabbed her), i decided to talk to my son about strangers. first i started by saying, what would you say if a strange man came up to you and said, i’ve lost my puppy, will you come help me look for him? and he said hmm… and then he said ‘umm, yes?’.
and i told him no, that there are bad people, yadda yadda, you know the drill. i said bad people make up stories like that, and you never, ever go with a stranger. you come running to mommy or daddy. and then i asked him, what would you do if a stranger said he’d give you candy to help him find his puppy? and he grinned and said, ‘yes!’. so, ok, he wasn’t taking me seriously. i will have to wait for a more receptive mood, to get this across.
so, when daddy came home, he told him ‘it’s ok if i go play with the big kids down the street, because they don’t have a puppy’. *sigh* i don’t know how to get this through to him. and i don’t want to let him outside till i do.
i know they’ve had tests, where kids who answered all the questions correctly in a teaching setting, were confronted in a real-life situation with a person with a picture of a lost puppy, and many of the kids just went right along. how do you prevent that?
It is such a scary thing to think about. I want to keep my kidlets with me all the time. ::sigh:: Why are people such freaks? People who hurt kids should just be put away.. forever.
Oh, man. That is a tough one. I think some of it is just continuing to do what you’re doing — talking to him and trying to help him understand. It’s so sad because you don’t want your kids to fear all people … yet they need to in order to be safe. Hmmm. Tough one. I’ll be curious to see if anyone has a good answer. I’m afraid I don’t.
{{{kd}}}
see, over the years i’ve tried any number of times to tell him about this, and he’s never assimilated it. continues to be a friendly and outgoing child. loves to ride his scooter up and down the street.
i wonder if there are videos with like re-enactments i could show him. it’s really hard to describe the whole situation, what it would be like, i think it would be easier if he could visualize.
Yeah, but you don’t want to be too graphic, because that’s just scary. I remember being OVERLY frightened by the idea of stranger danger (and it was always MISTER).
Each kid is so different…I wish you luck with this…
my best plan, were i to have children, would be to lock them in the basement until they were old enough to take care of me. okay, not really, but i’ve always been amazed at the courage of all you parents who are able to watch their child do scary things like climb trees and ride bicycles and all that. the stranger danger part would just send me out of my mind.
no, you don’t want to scare him but realize that the old fairy tales were scary for a reason, to teach kids the hard lessons of life in a memorable way. don’t be afraid to explain scary things in terms of bad guys and mean people. kids understand that. i’ve always told robby that unfortunately, there are bad people out there and we have to be careful. we had a password. that got his interest and made it fun for him to remember.
“what do you say when someone wants you to go with them?”
“what’s the password?”
“and what is the password?”
“yoda!”
if they don’t know the password, run as fast as you can. i used to rehearse this with robby over and over. repetition is key. all our talks about this stuff worked a year later when an older cousin asked him to masturbate. robby said no, and told me right away. too bad the cousin’s parents refused to believe me when i tried to let them know that the boy might have been molested himself. they accused robby of lying–natch.
oh yeah–i just asked robby for the password because i couldn’t remember it, and he knew it right away. our little rehearsals weren’t scary for him but run and reassuring.
run=fun :\
the password thing is a *great* idea. has that ‘spy kids’ kind of adventureous feel to it.
maybe explain to him the difference between a safe stranger and a bad stranger. [ie. a fireman or an ambulance driver or a teacher is usually a safe stranger. big bad man in pickup truck asking for directions is a bad stranger]. the secret password deal works well too.
my suggestion? look for a local block parents organization in your community. they always have videos on streetproofing your kids that you can show him, and regularly do seminars for parents and kids as well. you can also teach kurt that a block parent sign = safe house in an emergency [ie. someone chasing them, etc]. [All block parents are screened by the police]. Also, check out http://www.mcpa.on.ca/resources/. There are a few streetproofing articles there.
hope that helps!
cool, thanks.
this is a tough thing to get across. every kid reacts differently and none of them really get it. just as you are congratulating yourself for doing your parental duty, their feedback tells you there’s a little more message to be delivered.
my son’s comment ater the speech on his first day of YMCA camp: *turns to boy sharing seat on yellow bus*: “you know we’re going to get kidnapped today, don’t you?”
my daughter’s comment after the speech on her first day of kindergarten: “what’s a stranger?”
That’s a tough one, and I can’t even imagine how stressful it must be. I don’t even have kids yet and I feel anxious over the idea of leaving one alone in a room at night. I don’t know how old Kurt is, but I wonder if careful, supervised news watching or reading and discussion would help.
Then again, there’s always the terrify them with horrible stories method my friend’s mother used. She was a scared kid, but she ended up growing into a not so frightened adult.
My husband works in a place for the criminally insane. I can honestly say that my kids aren’t spared too much of the grisly details. It’s hard to keep a safe balance between telling your kids everything and keeping them (innocent) children.
That is so hard – I really understand where you are coming from. I mean, what do you need to do? The part of that whole thing- with Samantha, the five year old- man, she totally GOT IT, she knew that man was bad news, she went kicking and screaming – and that, to us, is the most scary. That a child can learn it all and know and remember and do and still… so, I feel for you. I know this entry is of no help at all – it’s more of commiseration, but just a boost to you, telling you that pushing the info is the right thing to do. At least, statistically, to teach kids is the best thing, b/c those who go fighting are typically the ones who survive. So, good for you to try – you’ve got to go fighting, too.
In Jamaica where I live we generally don’t have a lot of “stranger danger” freaks around. We do have violent crime, crazy drivers and crazier relatives of kids who will harm our children. But Dearly Beloved and I are still careful about our kids being out unsurpervised.
Whenever I travel to North Amercia, I am even more on my guard and watch the kids like a hawk. I am amazed that in spite of the potential for freaks, and the high numbers of missing kids in North America, I still see very small kids out doors unsupervised…some even walking themselves to school. Sorry guys but we can’t have it both ways. Untill we get rid of the freaks…..they have to be constantly watched. Hard…even stressful, and maybe even affecting the kids self confidence, and sense of responsibility…..but at least they are alive.
No good answers here either, kd. God, you don’t want to make them weary, antisocial kids – and I’ve seen plenty of those – but you want them to understand the dangers too. I’m SO glad I’m not a parent! Good luck with it.
that’s the other danger – to create a fearful and avoidant child out of an outgoing and friendly little guy. to make him to clingy to mommy and afraid of the world.
and yet to keep him safe from the monsters, the real monsters.
tonight getting in the car to go to the store, he looked up at the hills and theorized that they were eggs ready to give birth to monsters. often, he’s afraid of monsters and has to come fall asleep on the couch behind me, then i carry him to bed when he’s out. there’s enough fear in a child’s life.
and not enough, when you consider, he has to not trust strangers. he *must* not trust strangers.
i’m gonna assume most of the worst strangers are men, and teach my son how to administer a good kick in the crotch. kurt is big for his age and strong as heck. i think if someone bad grabbed him, he could do damage.
maybe i’ll enroll him in karate. maybe making him strong is the answer, because fear is usually not a productive emotion.