forget the TIPS vigilantes, i have nuns next door and a paranoid ex-catholic in the house with me. me? nothing to hide. willing to live my life right out loud. but chris? still shellshocked from the knuckle-rappings he received in parochial school, apparently.
new nuns next door came by to inform chris that they could hear *everything* from our house. went on to tell chris, oh, we’ve heard of you, sister mary anita told us about you (yes, chris is famous among nuns). apparently this sister mary anita is fearsome ruthless nun that did something heinous to chris as a child, i think, made him confess to doing something he hadn’t done? anyway he’s still really, really mad. so chris tells me we have to be quiet and i’m all, why? what are we doing wrong? and he repeats that our life isn’t their business and that’s that, i’m supposed to now just sneak around, whisper and tiptoe, or else the nuns might hear …
hear what? who cares? well, chris does. and he’s inflicting his paranoia on me with all this SHHHHH!!! stuff. well fuck that. i will continue to live my life out loud. i’ll pull up in the driveway with the bloodhound gang blasting out my windows hell yeah** if i have to. shocking nuns doesn’t bother me a bit. what are they gonna do?
and i do not like being shusshed. oh, no, i don’t. it makes me want to crank up the volume another couple notches, yes it does.
side note: i’m all big talk, and this is mostly hot air. don’t worry, no nun’s delicate sensibilities will be harmed in the near future.
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**for lyrics, click more. but not if you’re easily offended. no, scratch the ‘easily’ part. just don’t click more. i swear, it’ll just upset you.
look, if you read these lyrics, it’s on you. i told you they were offensive as hell. i’m not advocating anything here except how to offend nuns in response to being told to shush, which makes me get contrary. furthermore, the general tone of this post is ‘humorous’ and every bit of it should be taken with appropriate grains of salt.
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.
Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea
If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols
And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible
Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a “Speed 2″
If I were God that’s what I’d do heavens no
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
If I were God I’d get a bunch of slaves to do everything
Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing
If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops
Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins thou shall not cut “Footloose”
If I were God that’s what I’d do heavens no
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
Hell yeah
And when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
I’ll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off
He goes by the name Jesus and steals hubcaps from cars
Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar?
To pry these God damn nails out they’re beginning to hurt
Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter I’ll sing as I’m flogged
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God
So vote for me for Savior and you’ll go to heaven
Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in “Seven”
With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick
You just can’t teach an old God new tricks
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don’t believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
Just sport some crummy holier than thou facade
Yeah that’s what I would do if I were God
easier said than done, unfortunately. he’s always with the shhhhhhhhh!!!!! and that frantic look in his eyes, like, the nuns will hear, the nuns will hear, and it’s all so … not-offensive, whatever it is i’m saying at the time.
i will stipulate that, without personally having experienced the particular brand of the fear o’ god that ole mary anita put into chris, i can’t really pooh-pooh his reactions too much. then again, he’s a lot more traumatized by his own nonconformity than i ever was, in any situation. i’m more of a rebel. he’s got that guilt deep, deep down.
Catholic guilt is exceptional…it goes far beyond some other forms. 30 years after becoming a “lapsed” Catholic, I still eat fish on Fridays most of the time.
And maybe you should be looking for those TIPS stickers on the windows of the convent or nun’s home or whatever you call that abode?
Hee. There’s no guilt like Catholic guilt–even recovering Catholic guilt. Makes me happy to be one of those hyper Baptists. whee! I’m gonna have to dig up my Bloodhound Gang CD now, kd. You’ve got me all wanting to listen to Bad Touch.
“thou shall not make a “Speed 2″”
Bwahahaha!
I need a copy of this song.
Har! I freakin’ LOVE The Bloodhound Gang! And I, too, hate being shushed. Nyah.
Well kd, I agree with you, live your life as you have always done. By the way, have I ever mentioned that I’m Catholic? (Perhaps, not a GOOD one at all) and don’t get me wrong, none of what has been commented offends me in any way. Tell Chris to cool out!
Wow, what DID the nun do to him???
Or you could try blasting some King Missle – which would confuse them because it’d be hard for nuns to figure out if this were a negative or postive sort of song because it sounds so perky! I’m still figuring out the whole mp3 hooha – or I’d post the song for you to snag. Makes me giggle anyhow!
Good Lord (hand up for ex-Catholic school girls over here) that song rocks.
Mayhaps a gift-wrapped dildo would get the message across in a gracious manner? No, I wouldn’t actually do it, either. But maybe I’d sign them up for a Good Vibrations catalog delivery.
Jessica — you are brilliant and twisted. now *that* would be such fun.
oh, and my favorite line from the song::
But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?
If I don’t believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
lol kd! i would so be blastin my music. like you said, what are they gonna do? come smack your hands with a ruler? call the cops cuz you’re talking to loud in the house? sheesh. hubby sounds a bit paranoid to me. go about your lives and just ignore them.
Let’s chip in and buy the nuns some fucking dildoes.
They’ll be too busy to hear you after that.