bugs

xkot: hey what’s that cheap poweder that kills bugs? borax or something?
matt: Cocaine?
kd: yep. but it’s not that cheap.
xkot: the crack under my back door is so big that i see bugs just waltzing in
matt: Ground up human femur?
kd: what kinda bugs?


xkot: if it wasn’t a door i’d glue it shut
xkot: big-ass florida palmetto bugs
matt: Pour bleach on it.
kd: flying cockroaches the size of small dogs you mean?
xkot: yeah
xkot: i can’t take it any more
kd: bleach is good
matt: Make friends with them.
kd: pets!
kd: give them names!
matt: They’ll shelter you in case of Atomic Holocaust
xkot: so the bleach works after it has dried?
matt: You can be their king in the world they build after the fallout.
kd: mmm. well, it would repel them as long as the bleach smell remains
matt: The smell will usually put them off.
xkot: no way… the other night I was sitting on the couch in the dark and one flew by my face. i nearly ran out of the house screaming
kd: so if you’re happy gassing yourself with chlorine, it’s fine
xkot: cool i’ll try the bleach thing
matt: Or you could get a cat
kd: i love the smell of clorox
xkot: fortunately the outside ones don’t really move inside, they just visit now and then
matt: Cats will happily eat bugs
xkot: i’m allergic
kd: so was i. i’m fine now
matt: A chihuahua?
xkot: though i have thought about getting some lizards
matt: Yes!
matt: Get lizards! Many lizards!
xkot: someone told me you can release certain lizards in your house and you will never have bugs again
matt: You will, however, have lizards.
xkot: like you buy 2 of some breed
xkot: exactly
kd: beware lizard shit
matt: Some might not consider that a good trade.
xkot: yeah, salmonella i bet
kd: salmonella city
matt: “Shit, now I gotta get snakes”
matt: “And then I have to get a mongoose”
xkot: i want a plastic bubble like travolta had
matt: “Fuck, now I need a wolverine to keep the mongoose population in check.”
kd: monkeys! everybody likes monkeys!
kd: are we reinacting a simpsons episode?
xkot: i need a bathroom monkey
matt: “Which means I now need an NRA roommate to control the wolverine…”
kd: why, xkot, why?
xkot: to clean
xkot “MONKEY HATE CLEAN!”
kd: not you, just the bathroom, right?
xkot: LOL
xkot: they could groom me
xkot: I’m pretty hairy
kd: oh no
xkot: they would accept me as a member of the tribe
matt: “And then I’m going to need Brady to control the NRA members in case they spread…”
matt: It never fucking ends.

14 thoughts on “bugs

  1. Palmetto bugs scare the shit out of me! Ack!
    And that’s saying something, what with me living in such a buggy area and all!
    I wouldn’t mind having little lizards and frogs in the house – except the cat keeps trying to eat them when they come in, and I have to run around and play Save the Small Critter from the Cat. The cat loves that game…

  2. that was HILARIOUS!
    Seriously though, those palmetto bugs are..atrocious. I scream whenever one comes within 100 feet of me. The other day I found one in the washer on a pair of my undies. I threw them out. Brand new ones too. Ugh. Had to rewash the clothes. They are just so soo gross. Gives me the willies.

    Yuk

  3. you threw ’em out? think what you could’ve gotten on ebay for ’em.
    “undies….worn once, infected by giant bugs. best offer”

  4. Ewwww. My cat eats most of our bugs. Well, some. And my kids kill a lot of them. It’s kind of a silly reason to have kids, though, just to kill bugs…

  5. lmfaoooo at matt n xkot!!
    i just moved to GA from mass and let me tell ya! never in my life have i seen any bug soooo flippin big! one just crawled outta the cabinet, looked at me, stuck out its tounge (i swear i saw it) n kept going on its way!! brazen cockroaches they are! im not gonna live with them, not making friends!
    kinda makes me wish for my old, small, non-threatening bugs back….**sigh**
    tried the bleach thing, worked for a few days. thinking imma start lighting them on fire next?

  6. sometimes setting them on fire just pisses them off — & attracts their relatives too (barbecue!). remember, the cockroaches will outsurvive us puny humans eventually.

  7. OMFG I HATTTEEEE ROACHES!!! EW EW EW EW I HAD ONE SITTING ON MY BED JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO SO I TRAPPED IT UNDER A CUP AND ITS SOOO GROSS AND ITS RUStLING AND HISSING AR OUND AND ITS SOOO GROSS EW EWEWEWEWEW!!!!

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