can you hear me now?

chris often tells me i am yelling at him. when i am in fact not yelling. and he’s not the only one, my daughter and my boss tell me the same thing. and my initial response is always to insist i’m not yelling, but yelling is more in the ear of the beholder, if you think about it. and people get stressed when they percieve that i’m yelling, and so they don’t hear my words, they react to my tone. so i’ve learned to temper my voice, because apparently i’ve listened to too much loud music and i’m slightly hard of hearing. it doesn’t seem like yelling to me. however, i now make an effort to lower my voice. and it takes conscious thought, to overcome this natural tendency towards loudness.

the point is, that i want to be listened to, rather than reacted to.

21 thoughts on “can you hear me now?

  1. I’m very sensitive to the yelling issue, myself. If I even think I’m being yelled at, I tend to marshall my resources to annihilate the yeller’s argument, even if it’s a perfectly reasonable one. I don’t like being yelled at, not at all. It puts my dander up. That’s something I personally have to work on, because it’s not a proportionate reaction.

  2. As a reforming yeller (with no good reason like disappearing hearing), this is all good to, um, hear. My motto should be “she’s small, but she’s feisty.”

  3. i come from a loud family…my dad is kind of hard of hearing, so we are all ‘loud talkers’. you should come over and visit us—we’ll all be loud and happy!

  4. I have come to the conclusion myself that there are indeed two species of people: “loud talkers” and “soft talkers.” I think there should be some kind of Sneetch mark so we can tell each other apart.

  5. I’ve been accused of the same thing, more than once over the years. I always get defensive about it but obviously I AM LOUD 🙂

  6. I have the exact same problem kd, my hearing is shot from loud music. I also come from a family of yellers. My girlfriend is constantly telling me to stop yelling at her, and I don’t even know I’m yelling. I used to react to that as an attack and then really start yelling, but I’m working on reacting more constructively.

  7. yeah, it really bugs me to be told to shhh, i mean really *really* bugs me, but apparently, if people think you’re yelling, you are, even if it wasn’t your intention in the first place.

  8. You’re right about yelling being in the ear of the beholder. My husband IS a yeller. His whole family yells. It’s annoying. I’ll tell him to stop yelling when we’re having a conversation and he’ll say, “But you’re yelling…” and I’m *not* yelling. But, I guess he considers stating your side of the issue to be yelling. Men.

  9. hee. I’m loud. My entire family on my mother’s side is loud. On Thanksgiving and Christmas–my God, there is this huge cacophony that just emits from the house and I’m quite sure scares the neighbors. It’s awesome fun. (unless you’re the neighbors) 😉

  10. my mom’s favorite mother-ism: “lower your voice, lower your voice, lower your voice”… i think my voice got so low that no one heard me talk for 30 years! now, i guess i’m just ‘medium-voiced’ 🙂 but when i’m with my family, we are all loud, to each other … and sarcastic … and teasingly RUDE … this annoyed my ex to no end. he did NOT understand it. at all. too polite. hrmmm.

    oops. i guess that WAS rather loud, wasn’t it… 😀

  11. Loud makes me cringe – and feel like I’m in trouble.
    So yes, it’s good that you realize that it keeps people from really hearing you.

    At the same time I’d be really pissed off for someone to tell me to stop yelling – especially if I was making a point about something important.
    People are always telling me “now don’t get upset.” Well, if it’s important I’m going to get upset! People can be so condescending sometimes… I wonder if this is a chick thing – I have this feeling guys don’t get told “now don’t get upset” in quite the same tone…

  12. no, i’m not talking about really yelling, as in being upset, i’m talking about normal conversations in which i get into slightly hyper mode or (especially) if there is any ambient noise at all (much of my hearing problem is i can’t hear one thing well over a bunch of other things, so i think no one else can either). that’s when i yell without intending to, and that’s when people start backing away slowly, you know?

    it’s when i don’t think i am yelling, but people react as if i am, because i’m loud.

    and actually, this is also a metaphor for the arguing that’s been going on. the more ‘yelling’ that goes on, the less listening is done.

  13. kd, could you speak up a little? 😉

    Oh, and I was concerned about no posting yesterday; I thought perhaps you’d done yourself an injury while de-fuzzing.

  14. i temporarily lost the will to blog due to a massive hangover and general exhaustion from thinking while drinking.

    if you’re gonna drink, don’t think.

  15. i am a loud talker and a have always been one – my best friend is one also. I have resently gotten in trouble at work for being loud and have been hushed several times – my job is now on the line because of my loudness. i am very stressed and do not know what to do to or how to teach myself to be quiter – to make matters worse – one of my employees are even louder than myself and i have to help her learn to be quite – if you have any suggestions – please send

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