i have no business posting this

there are days, and there are days. this isn’t one of them.

lacking either a breathalyzer or an estrogen-level detection device on my computer to lock me out when i have no business interacting with the internet, i carry on. this is one of those days my hormones are suggesting i dive headfirst into a vat of foster’s. thankfully i have no beer so it’s just me and hormones that would peel paint off walls.

i have a lot of things to say and i’m so afraid i’ll say them. they never, ever come out right. i’d like to thank Trula for this comment and publicly apologize some more, and also i have rebuttals of a sort but nothing that will hopefully ever see the light of day. i have no business even typing this now and it’s amazing i am, considering i’m actually shaking.

there’s a reason i generally avoid conflicts and when i do put myself out there in a controversial position it’s with the same sensation as one might have sticking one’s hand in the fire, again. you know it’s going to come out badly.

10 thoughts on “i have no business posting this

  1. hormones and controversy and internet, oh my! interesting combination. could be lethal. could be exhilarating. either way, it can just wear you out …

  2. I don’t see that you have to apologize for anything. I took your post in the same vein that Peggy did. I’m just beyond shocked right now.

    Sigh. Maybe this is why so many people don’t talk about race. So many things can be misunderstood, and so many people’s feelings are just raw when it comes to that subject.

  3. i apologized because it’s the thing to do when you hurt someone’s feelings, however inadvertently.

    maybe before we get onto the business of working out the issues of race, we should work on our communication skills first? without good commmunication skills we do more harm than good, that much is certain.

    that would be the post i have brewing, but i need a bath and some beer first.

  4. Discussions on Race

    Hello, I’m full of shit. That’s usually where I end up at the end of the rounds, when I’m following a discussion like this – on race. Everyone has good points to make, I babble way to much in the comments, and by the time I make it back here – where I …

  5. hmm… I think I can relate to what you must be feeling kd. sort of.

    I had many many thoughts regarding that topic of discussion. Conflicting thoughts, analytical thoughts, honest feelings… a whole gamut of stuff. But instead I said nothing.

    See, when that happens to me, I have a difficult time putting it into words, and I’m not very concise or to the point. I don’t write what I think very well, unless it is a subject I know well, or a point that I have a definitive opinion about. So I stay quiet.

    And I don’t post things on my own site that are up for debate unless I do feel very strongly about it, and I can make my points well. Then I can join a debate about it, or listen to other’s opinions, without feeling like you’re feeling today. Because if I really believe in something, even if someone else disagrees, it won’t bother me as much that they have their own opinions.

    and before I start mucking up this post, I’ll stop now. But I’m sorry that you feel bad today kd.

  6. I may be missing a boat as big as Texas, but I read your original comments about how you weren’t a “normal” kid this way: that, looking back, you realize that you weren’t the “normal” product of America’s institutionalized rascism- i.e., a bigoted white kid. Your friendships were forged the way all good friendships are –through simple, visceral attraction to another’s essence, not their skin color.
    I’ll butt out now, but I sort of fail to see that you have anything for which to apologize, kd.

  7. it’s pretty easy to make me second-guess myself. and i think part of this learning process is realizing that no matter how good i think i’m being, i still have a long way to go. and not an easy way to go.

    and like i said, i have no business actively sitting here being on the internet and interacting. i have nothing in me that can deal with conflicts when every bit of me is involved in some real self-obsessed … something.

    and that’s just the hormones suggesting i go knock my head into a wall a couple times and transfer the psychic pain to the physical plane. some months are worse than others, and things are exacerbated by stressing over going to vegas and… i never claimed not to be a mess.

    sometimes i try to keep the mess off the blog, in fact most times i do. then eventually it blows up in one huge ball of sniveling.

    and then i get better. eventually.

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