this is me

over at JeanNINE‘s, i found this great virtual model thing (permalinks not working for me, but scroll down, to the entry with the virtual model). this is something you can do at i’ll quote JeanNINE, since the words fit me perfectly “But this leads me to a pretty cool thought. I think that “she” is really pretty and not at all fat. – So…what’s my constant hangup about the “real” me, then?”

and i’m looking at ‘me’ (click more to see), and thinking, hmm, not bad. which is the exact opposite of what i felt looking at all those pictures of me from the santa monica blogmeet. being this big is a recent thing for me, happened in the last year, to the tune of an amazing weight gain. it’s the sitting on the ass and the beer and the overeating. i know this. and i know that my continuing failure to do anything about this, well, anything except feel incredibly ugly and sorry for myself, means i should probably work on getting myself out of this self-pity trip. and i found, by playing dress-up with my virtual model, that some shopping is in order, and i need to get over the ‘big baggy bulky disguise’ thing.

maybe if i can get to where i’m living with how i look now, i can work on changing things. if i could go from fat, depressed, and badly dressed to just … fat, well, that would be a good start.


12 thoughts on “this is me

  1. that IS a great outfit. you know, I spent years of my life wearing “disguises” to hide my… fill in the body part i hated. but now i think that i look and feel better wearing clothers that make me feel good are so much better than the baggy sacks. anyway, you look as big as the clothes you wear, so why wear big clothes?

    and i think you are beautiful, kd.

  2. Oh kd, no need to be depressed, time and it’s changes are marching on for everybody.

    You should take some solace in knowing that in the blogworld universe YOU are a star, and we are all just small minor planets orbiting you and basking in your light.

  3. those sites always make people really skinny. (that one isn’t as bad as most of them though.) i can type in 200 lbs, 5’6″, and get an ally mcbeal figure. (huh?)

  4. I LOVE that outfit, KD and I think you should do some shopping for some fun stuff. I also try to hide the attributes I dislike but I just end up looking frumpy. Baggy sweaters in the winter, etc. I usually end up looking bigger than I really am.

    For me, it’s a reflection of my own insecurities. It’s something I’ve realized I really need to work on because I’m starting to wonder how such a wonderful, attractive man could really be attracted to old, frumpy me. I’m just not able to see my own beauty — inner or outer. I’m working on it, tho. And something that helped me was to say goodbye to some of the frumpier items so that it wouldn’t be so easy to pull it out of the closet to wear “just one more time.”

  5. so last night i fixed the body type and it’s more accurate, infact, it looks *just* like me. but when you consider in Santa Monica i was wearing one size too big jeans, a 2 sizes too big top, and a jeans jacket tied around my waist? the camera didn’t add 10 pounds, *I* did.

    but playing with the virtual model, i can see what clothes are going to look bad (lots of them did) and which will look good (there is a huge difference, just in the line and cut of the clothing).

  6. dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.

    good point. and while we’re here, why not shop? i’m actually looking forward to it, for the first time since i got to this size, and decided to live in one pair of pants till i got smaller.

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