my favorite spam ever

lunch: the rest of last night’s bean/rice/cheese burrito (enormous!) topped with leftover homemade salsa from the potluck. hot! mmm.

and speaking of beans, or, well, on a related note, if you catch my drift … i’ve mentioned this in passing in people’s comments, but today i got another one, and decided to share it with you. it’s just such an earnest, gut-felt missive, and some of the passages are really quite moving.


From: coloncleansing@jtbk.net Date: Friday, October 18, 2002 4:04 AM
Subject: RE: Your Bowels Cleaned

Let me ask you this…which is worse:

A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.

B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray’d, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it’s time to get your house in order because you’ll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.

A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.

Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won’t need false teeth and Fixodent down the road…right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.

But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?

Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD’s AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I’m not kidding…

This subject is not even up for debate. It’s a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don’t be one of them.

****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.

Let’s talk stools.

The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it’s dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that’s not good. And don’t feel bad, that’s the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it’s full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We’re talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.

When you do the cleanse, for the first few days….things are a little weird. But you know you’re cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.

Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at $43.00. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.

People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.

At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you’re ready to do something about cleaning it out.

16 thoughts on “my favorite spam ever

  1. I’m trying to figure out why there was a reference to a Lexus in there… And the teeth brushing thing. No details on colon cleansing, just a little discussion on brushing one’s teeth was the only thing discussing cleansing at all… Am I to assume I need to use a toothbrush? If so, I’ll wait until I get into a fight with my husband and “forget” which one was mine…

  2. Can I just say, without everyone creeping out on me, that I’ve always thought about getting one of those colon cleansing things done at a spa? I know, it’s weird. But weird appeals to me, on a very deep and spiritual level.

  3. i’ve always kind of wanted a coffee enema. i just wonder if it gets you wired too, i mean, you can absorb medications through there, so why not …

    um. TMI, right?

  4. I actually perform those, skits. I have convenient hours as well.

    I’ve named my booty Lexus. The comparison between 1 and 2 is pretty much even.

  5. hee. I think this entire page is just TMI, but it’s fun, isn’t it?

    Hoopty’s Coffee Enemas and Hot Dog Stand. There’s a franchise in there, I just know it.

  6. I used to have a coworker who was obsessed with colon cleansing until she went to work for a malpractice attorney. *shudder* At any rate, just dropping by to say I’ve been deluged with those mails too. Your comment today made me laugh.

    cheers!

  7. Damn you, kd… you’ve made me think about squicky things for at least five minutes, and now I’m mad at myself for feeling squicky about bodily functions at all. I blame you.

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