early warning pagers of doom

if this is the kind of thing we can expect from the new homeland security department, we’re all fucking doomed, ok? Because media broadcasts may spread news too slowly in emergencies, a group of U.S. security experts recommended on Monday that Americans carry government-issued beepers for alerts of pending nuclear attack, biological threat or tornado. imagine with me for a moment here — take everyone within a certain radius of some sort of terror scare. have their cell phones and beepers start beeping ‘alert’. what happens next? can the general public be expected to behave in an orderly fashion? please proceed calmly towards the exits, no shoving, women and children first?

the problem with any sort of alarm system, is the fact that panic can cause so much damage all by itself. and a false alarm could be quite deadly. so let’s say they only send alerts after the act had already been committed. and this would help — how? a bunch of terror beepers beeping — and then what?

the fact that ‘security experts’ are making asinine recommendations like this is scarier than the terror itself. the culture of fear is a fascinating, albeit disturbing, thing to watch.

18 thoughts on “early warning pagers of doom

  1. “Beep beep beep! Attention, American citizens. We have removed Dick Cheney to an undisclosed location. It is hereafter every man for himself.”

    Canada, indeed. Chortle.

    I wonder how much the committee members spent making that beeper recommendation.

  2. Oh! Remember that hoax email that came out of a “well placed, high up Navy official” last year……in like, October? Well, that caused my son’s preschool to be shut down. Everyone was in a panic.

    Panic spreads quicker than truth. Panic doesn’t cause anything but trouble. Panic is what gets people injured and/or killed. And, it rarely seems to lead to better planning.

    Yes, dear KD….the terrorists have already won because they have enabled us to use panic as a defense.

  3. To say nothing of the uselessness of such a system once it is hacked and set off a time or two.

    Shouting, “Fire!” in a crowded theatre.

    What idiocy…

    (Yeah, Babe, that’s two <g>.)

  4. I’d rather find out about the detonated nukes when the flesh melts from my bones. Please give my beeper to an underpriviledged and easily led citizen.

    I’m thinking of moving back to a ground zero strike zone and sticking my head in the sand for the rest of my days.

  5. It’s all a scam anyway to generate more money flow through the military machine. I really don’t think the government would tell us if nukes were in the air flying at us. I think I heard somewhere they wouldn’t tell us if an asteroid was going to smash into the earth, so why would nukes be any different?

  6. You know, the most frightening thing in that to me is the composition of the panel. If it were a bunch of academics it would be one thing, but FBI and ARC members concurring with this idea? Have they lost their minds?

  7. all i can think of, is that this would be kind of a pacifier / blankie kind of gesture, and nothing more — vast amount of money wasted on the illusion of enhanced security.

  8. Emergency Pacifiers and blankies sounds like a good idea. Lace the pacifier with a good tranquilizer, and everyone can lay down and take a nap until the disaster hits. That will stop the panic.

  9. Ideally, the beepers will be implanted under our skin, and track our movements with GPS so we don’t get lost in case of an emergency, and regulate our heartrates with pacemaker-type electrical impulses or by releasing mood-altering drugs, so we don’t get all excited when they go off.

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