eating spaghetti in a white shirt

i’ve said some things here and there lately i’m not happy with, and i get this feeling i should just quiet the hell down. like there’s no way to enter an emotional discussion without, metaphorically speaking, some of the sauce splattering somewhere. i never realize it till much later, and by then the stain’s set (if it was even removable in the first place).

i generally don’t really know what i mean to say, if it is something that arouses strong feelings in me, until after i’ve already said it the wrong way.

when i was a teenager and in posession of some truly lethal low self-esteem, it was very difficult for me to communicate in any situation in which it was important i get my point across. the more important it was to me that i make a good impression the first time, the more likely i was to be seized with spasms of verbal diarrhea that left me looking more than foolish, and even worse to myself, and i would become more nervous and more self-conscious and on and on, spiraling on down. and that little girl in me is still there, a faint but recognizable voice offering criticism after the fact, in that tone she knows will make me feel as small as i’ve ever felt, even now, even still.

fortunately i’m old enough to go through motions that suggest letting-go, learning to live with things i’ve said, shrugging, apologizing or clarifying if i can manage, moving on. that’s still an act, but so was everything else i ever did to make the little girl critic as quiet as she is now. it’s all about faking it.

hey, the spaghetti was good though.

9 thoughts on “eating spaghetti in a white shirt

  1. You have no idea just how much of myself I see in what you wrote above. My god, I couldn’t have expressed it nearly as well as you did though. And this is why when something really bothers me I usually say nothing. I’m afraid my emotions or my nervousness will make all the words come out wrong, and this is why I almost hate those first time conversations with folks. I always run off at the mouth, sounding like an idiot, and I’m so afraid of them thinking I’m too talkative or stupid or worse. I’m not sure what this defect is called, but it is a disability (in my opinion) I have yet to learn how to live or deal with in any constructive or healthy way.

    Oh, and have I told you lately how wonderful you are? or how much I value your friendship? Probably not, and I should be spanked or worse for the oversight.

    🙂

  2. kd, doll… I’ve never personally observed you saying (writing) anything that didn’t strike me as brilliant or thoughtful or funny or all three, and how’s that for a run-on sentence?

    Don’t worry. Be a happy cliche. You are loved and appreciated. If you realize that and revel in it, you’re a step ahead already and these things start to matter less and less, I think. I hope, anyway. It makes sense.

  3. We’re all human and make “mistakes”… not really mistakes, just saying things we mean one way that are taken the wrong way by some. We can second guess ourselves, or write to someone else’s train of thought… just can’t be done. Don’t beat yourself up over something that might have been taken the wrong way. Know that you are love by those who read your blog often. (((((kd)))))

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