helpful tips for chronic insomniacs

when you start seeing little things out of the corner of your eye that probably aren’t there, go to bed. sure you’re not sleepy yet. and sure, you’re wondering whether it’s in fact an insect or actually one of many itty bitty mini bits of your brain, whizzing past in your periphery after tunneling out the optic nerve, only to end up trapped in the aqueous humor. none of this is conducive to sleep, so screw it. stay up. wait. is that the vitreous humor? whatever. the eyes are the windows for the soul, and possibly fishtanks for failed brain escapees.

if it is too late to take a bayerPM® without the dopey pill hangover in the morning, feel free to have one more beer (it’s medicinal) while you whine in a way that someone can hear (or read) you, loud and clear and at great length. if you can’t get rid of the general malaise, you can at least share.

spicy food, followed by a double dose of healthy calcium-rich tums® chewable antacids. you escape the heartburn part but still hopefully have the entertainingly psychotic deep-fried jalapeno dreams to look forward to. you know, eventually. when sleep comes. if.

look up some current public opinion polls on the internet. counting sheeple is quite mind-numbing, if you can deal with the annoyance factor.

(geeks only) you know that chapter in the PHP book about multivariate arrays? your eyelids are gettng verrrrry heavvvvy. your mind is now clear of any semblance of content, a quiet void except for the fluorescent lighting flickering, and making that little subconscious buzzy sound. it’s got a bad ballast, i think.

use your mother in law’s golden brown carved representation of the last supper as your focal point, stare until the room goes white around it and the shapes resolve into some sort of mid-seventies acid rock cover art.

look, the more i think about it, maybe that little flying thing is a bug, a creepy bug, and not just an innocent brain fragment gone astray. can’t sleep with potentially airborne insects in the room, they’re attracted to pillow-drool.

um. why are you listening to me? i have no idea how to deal with sleeplessness, insects (mental or actual), sheeple, mid-seventies acid rock cover art, or multiwhatchamacallit arrays. beer and whining, these are the only for sure things here.

i’m done with both, and am ready to go be awake in bed instead, hoping for the pillow drool.

15 thoughts on “helpful tips for chronic insomniacs

  1. I’ve found that reading the Sefer Yetzirah out loud will put Tara out like a light. It actually wakes me up more, though, as you can tell by the fact that I am posting this comment at 3:45 or so Friday morning.

  2. Next time I’m suffering from insomnia, I’ll come visit here to help me get to sleep. Hmm, I suppose that’s not the desired effect of blogging… 😉

  3. j. brotherlove has a similar idea. I was going to say a drink of rum and some good sex can do the trick VERY well. But, then again, I’m male also!

  4. This is the greatest post ever kd! I was up almost all night last night too, drank too much coffee yesterday. I was actually up until 4:00 in the morning obsessing about something I read in Melly’s blog. I should have called you or tried to find you online somewhere.

  5. I’m not gonna get all pharmacological “those drugs and / or alchohol are not going to give you what you need” thing, but oops I already did. Heh. But you know the key to beating insomnia is more complicated than merely knocking yourself out. You need REM cycles, and to rebuild your serotonin levels / reuptake channels. Which alchohol and any old P.M. drug are not gonna getcha. I am all for valium, and an MD will even give it to you (blah blah other factors blah), but barring that I am so all into a nice big cup of chammomile (just chammomile, not that stuff with teh St. John’s wort and kava kava in it, not so much) washing down a big fat tab of 5htp. Every night. Like birth control pills. Serotonin control pills. Mmhm, thasss better.

  6. Linkorama!

    And now, some random linkage. First, the Blog Neighborhood – I am *so* behind in what everyone’s up to. So of course, Eric is always my first stop to find out what’s going on. And apparently what’s up is a Blogger East Coast Gathering. I am immediately…

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