catharsis and it’s not pretty.

this rarely rarely rarely ever happens anymore. there are a few pushbuttons left and oh my yes things get ugly. i can’t remember the last time, i’m sure it was a year or more since there was one of these escalate immediately to screamfest things and fuck if i know why i’m posting this. nice that it’s kind of quiet here.

it’s not well written. it’s not something i am happy to have written and if i could release it without clicking post, i would. it’s as appealing as rancid roadkill, as literate as ass sweat, as intelligent as lint. in short, it stinks. and gives an impression about me that i’d rather not.

for something worth reading, go read the last post. this? eh. you were warned.

is there therapy for rage management? not anger. anger, i can do anger. life gives me many opportunities to be angry, i take some of them, leave others, depending on the energy.

but rage. the pushed-button rage that makes the world go swimmy in my eyes. the dizzy hot/cold flash, the shaking, the burning adrenaline rushing up the back of my neck to spread across my scalp. this is not a choice for me, it is an electro-chemical reaction overwhelming every cell in me, and i am not my own person then.

it takes my speech centers and things come out of me, out of the clenched twisted reflex i’m possessed by, these things seem bent upon making things worse, worse for me. and it’s not like i’m gonna win an argument like this – when the ugly starts, i’m reduced to a juvenile spiteful witless ineffective mess. and the rage increases with the frustration, with the knowing i’m not making my point and the urges surface, the ‘i’ll kick your fucking ass’ attitude, which works in inverse proportions to the actual potential asskicking i might be able to do if called on it. unfortunately in the old days he would take this as a serious threat and justify beating the crap out of me, self defense doncha know. now? now he only suggests it with his mannerisms and that voice, the one he uses as a crushing tool, that one, and when that voice comes out and he’s towering over me spittle flying and go ahead motherfucker, come on, you think i’m afraid of you? i’ve never let you have it you know. and you have no idea. bet that’ll change when you’re writhing on the floor clutching those nads buddy boy. and you know what they say about kicking a man while he’s down — there’s no better time for it! makes sense. floor-level kicking, so much more efficient.

and why? well because … motherfucker uses that voice, that height, that way he holds himself in that holding back but just barely way, the combined effect is designed to resolve conflict in the same way that a bulldozer resolves a house.

and because he’s wrong. i’m right, he’s not. and he has no right. and he’s wrong. and wrong in a kneejerky illogical what the fuck are you talking about kind of way. if i remember correctly, i’m supposed to let him win these things because of how upset he gets, and i really need more ways to say oh fuck no. ugly consequences be damned, motherfucker doesn’t get to win ’cause he’s a self-righteous spittle-spewing ball of threats, veiled and otherwise, you don’t let someone win because they launch into idiot mode like they had an idiot catapult just for the occasion. oh fuck no.

oh. fuck. no. ohfuckno. idiot motherfucker. use that idiot catapult on somebody who’ll be impressed, you bastard. me i could give a flying shit in a windtunnel. (brief vision of him being sucked through a massive propeller fan. good god i hate it when that happens).

the rage is almost quiet now though there is a little residual trembling. i’ve clenched my jaw so hard and at an angle, it’s slightly misaligned and will take awhile before it goes back. i clench when i clench, no doubt about it. there are still panes of glass shattering in my periphery and knees meeting nads in my wishful thoughs, but aside from that i’m almost back normal.

12 thoughts on “catharsis and it’s not pretty.

  1. Ooh man, if that’s what it takes to get a word in, I’d say… I’d say… You have some otherworldly gift for patience and let’s hope this year flies by.

  2. I have always had some level of regret when I have allowed that rage out, at the same time it felt as though there was no other defense to what was happening. This sounds like one of those situations where the rage may be overwhelming, but what are the alternatives?

  3. erm. well, the 967 hours i’ve spent doing completely frivolous things to these templates, that helps.

    it’s nice that he works weekends. really it is. if he didn’t i’d have to kill him.

  4. really it’s going to be ok, this won’t happen for another year or whatever, and eventually it’ll stop.

    it’s important that i not back down when i’m right, and eventually he’ll figure out that i don’t rage if there’s some chance i don’t know what i’m talking about.

    either that or i’ll be shoving bits of him down the disposer for weeks, and that’s so messy.

  5. Funny how taking a good, severe beating makes you no less afraid, but more ballsy in the face of a repeat.

    ‘Rage therapy’, heh. I thought the rage *was* the therapy, but I’ve been known to be wrong.

    Crockery works wonders as a deterrent, as do large, heavy skillets. Never had to employ ‘groin manipulation’, m’self. Bless you.

  6. True, and the smell in the meantime…

    Yeah, white hot, ‘where in my persona did that come from’ rage. Mom thought it was genetic and had me read “Captains and Kings” so I’d have an understanding of the term “Black Irish”.

    Still happens; it is possible to control without meds (at least to some extent); but to root out the core is one goal I haven’t reached quite yet.

    Hugs, babe…

  7. I have no idea what the argument is about, so I don’t know who actually is right, but if he gets so angry you think he may hit you (and he has before) then leave.

    If you really truly have no place to go, come to Seattle. We have a spare room.

  8. You know, you’ve talked about writing a book or something. Well, at least one book is right here, in this webpage. The body of work is impressive and growing, and going back and reading the ones that I’ve missed is like connecting dots in a puzzle and having things materialize out of thin air. I hope this whole webpage/experiment/journal gets backed up and collected for the future. It’s an incredible story that charts the topography of a mind as well as any other one out there. Don’t overlook it just because it now exists only in circuits and electrical impulses in a server in New Jersey.

  9. this is actually what happened to me, what was it, last sunday. which would, i suppose, make it the 15th of june.

    add to your excellent description: lying on the floor, kicking and pounding with fists and screaming. curling up into a ball next to a a cabinet in the kitchen and banging one’s head against said cabinet. convulsing. hyperventilating. screaming with mouth closed.

    but the worst part was the things i said when she came into the kitchen and, with a contemptuous look, mimed playing the “oh how sad for you, drama queen” violin. holding it to her shoulder under her chin, bowing with slow and steady precision. the invisible violin of utter and complete disdain.

    i’m not creative enough to make this stuff up. and i had to tell somebody. i couldn’t be the only one who knew it happened. hope you don’t mind.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *