i also suck at phone sex.

the phone guy is gone now, thank goodness, & i’m starting to recover from the incident. i was just sitting here, working, innocently even, when he comes over and starts poking at my phone, beepity beepity boop on the little buttons. hey, i’m a reasonable girl, i let this pass. then, all sudden-like, he tells me i have to record a message. yes! he tells me this some three keybeeps from the actual time i’ll have to actually leave the actual message. the bastard.

it’s a sordid tale …


me: but i don’t know what i want to say!
phone guy: it’s nothing, you just say your name & that you’re not available.
me: but i’m not ready!
pg: (hands me the phone, it’s at the record your message place)
me: (blurts out message, managing to be raspy, squeaky, nasal-sounding, and lame all at once)
pg: i’m going to play it back.
me: no! (tries to grab the phone out of his hand) i *hate* the sound of my voice!
pg: (apparently unruffled by this) i have to make sure i didn’t screw it up.
me: it’s ok! no one ever calls me!
pg: (plays message. oy vey.)
pg: so you wanna do it again?
me: NO! NO! it’s fine, it’s fine.

look. you don’t go fixing someone’s voice mail & navigate to the beep & hand them the phone & they’ve had two seconds to prepare & beeeeep, & then just stand there. you don’t. well, he did. fucker. look, i’m ok with having my phone poked, but my voice mail greeting? just like that, we’re at the voice mail?

composing a voice mail greeting is something that should be done in a quiet, peaceful setting, alone or with someone you trust. there should be candles, & maybe a little wine. your partner, if you have one, should start by rubbing your neck a little, maybe nibbling on your ear a little to make sure it’s ready. there should be a balance between relaxation & stimulation, alertness without anxiety, when you pick up that receiver, cradling it gently in one hand and easing it into position. if it doesn’t feel right, don’t rush it! have a little more wine, take your time. you’ll know when you’re ready. you want the beep. you have just the right words, & you can’t wait to wrap your silken voice around them. and when the beep comes, you are ready. lips & tongue & breath, all come together & make the sweetest, most perfect message. that’s how it’s supposed to be — it should be a moment, dammit. it isn’t something you do in fifteen seconds with a total stranger in front of all your coworkers.

i am just not that kind of girl. oh wait. yes i am. nevermind.

5 thoughts on “i also suck at phone sex.

  1. You should post a .wav file or MP3 of your message so all of your adoring fans can listen to the seductive and sultry tones of your message!

  2. And to think I was 10 (ten) feet away from this event, and all I was thinking about was the piece of paper that was not coming out of the printer when I needed it.

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