it wasn’t the want it might seem to be, although want was certainly involved. wanting does not make the necessary less so, but it does leave motives open to doubt.
� � � we interrupt this nonsense with breaking news: there has been a dead bee-napping. my mascot dammit. gone. or worse, not gone, just being held in an undisclosed location pending freaking me out when i least expect it. um. okay then. � � �
anyway. for a few of the wee hours last night i was engaging in some serious self-flagellation in the form of a PHP class of search functions, same little bastard that beat me down a few weeks back, working me over again. & i was losing – i was no closer to the answer than when i started, & i went to bed a defeated woman.
at seven-thirty (am!), the phone interrupted some twisty dreamy logic process, & i woke up knowing; not the why of it but very definitely the what. & i got up at that hour, yes. i got up, & i finished in about an hour, something that i’d been struggling with off & on for a month.
i cannot describe in any conscious context the knowledge i gained, it’s glyphs & images, nuances, a comprehension of direction, perhaps a sense of the shape of the reasons for the answer. i have some crossed wires in me, you know. i can feel the errant synaptic activity physically, energy dodging down the wrong way at the last minute & the understanding remaining just out of reach … sometimes clarity never comes.
but it works. the lyric search. it works.