picture this

many moons ago, i was in a dive bar engaged in an intellectual debate about narcissism with a biker. he didn’t believe that i even knew the definition of the word, which i had chosen in response to one of those ‘one word that describes you’ questions.

defining things is not my strong suit, since that’s a rather academic exercise, & my brain doesn’t work that way, my understanding of things is almost always gleaned from a variety of contexts & more conceptual than concrete. i tend to use examples, in this case i believe i said, ‘well, i think the best decoration in any room is mirrors, and i think bathing is an art that can take up to three hours & requires dozens of carefully selected products. also, i get dressed up to have sex with myself.’

that shut him up.

and so i was sitting here now remembering me then, and yes i was quite narcissistic, and this was not a bad thing. i wasn’t arrogant, well, not very arrogant. alright, but i wasn’t very arrogant all of the time. ok, maybe i was. whatever. it happened around the age of 36; prior to that my self-loathing knew few if any boundaries. i think it was one of the bravest things i ever did in self-defense, loving and caring for myself, especially considering the circumstances, which were … grim. what is it with me & grim anyway? ah well.

i’m trying to get back a little of that arrogance, a little of that self-assuredness, and as much of the self-indulgence as i can manage. i suppose there will always be a great deal of ambivalence involved in any self-involvement i’m involved in, hopefully not so much this time. however it holds true, the part about portrays, poses, & plays her part gamely – it always feels like an act, it probably always will.

what brought this up? i’ve taken to taking self-portraits lately, this is something entirely new and extremely unusual for me. i’m thinking that it’s maybe kind of a weird thing to do, and that’s probably the only way i let myself get away with it.

i should shut up and just take the damn picture.

well. then. here we go. but why we go? no one knows. sigh.
i like this one best lack of focus bad hair year

13 thoughts on “picture this

  1. Have you taken it yet? Also, and I don’t mean to be rude Liz, it there a banner at the top that I’m not viewing, or is there just the nice peaceful, soothing lightish color without distraction? I just don’t want to miss any of your tongueincheekiness.

  2. Perhaps you are hoping to see what we see when we see you? Maybe you just want to know yourself a bit more? Self reflection is a good thing… and you let’s face it you photograph pretty well.

  3. no, no, cameras hate me. especially this one. it’s evil. you know i see two totally different people between, say, a mirror, & this camera. in fact i see two totally different people taking pictures of myself IN a mirror. why?

  4. Yes, you should. …and then we’ll tell you about the ladies in the picture.

    Jilly, are you running Safari? There are three pics up there.

  5. y’know, those are just embarrassing. it’s bothering me that it goes against what i’m trying to accomplish to delete them, it really is. really really.

  6. Glad you’re not deleting! And the site looks great in Safari. And probably on safari for that matter – in a Blue Highways sense.

  7. it also works in opera 7, netscape 7, and even IE4. which, considering i started with a blank stylesheet & did the whole thing from scratch, i might sprain something patting myself on the back about it.

  8. you know.. when i first read the post.. man i’m such a space cadet.. i didnt’ click on the ‘read more’ linky thing and just now i did and wow!! I’m so glad I did.. *rowr*

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