all sudden-like, it hit me. alone. i’m here all by myself. quick-like, i check all the locks even the window locks. locked. check. then i thought, ok, weapon. i should find one. then i thought, ah! maglite. checked chris’s room, only ordinary plastic flashlight in maglite place. realized, oh, maglite would be in the car. old taxi driver habit, always have weapon illumination. fine. need different weapon. but what? think. no baseball bat, no potentially lethal sporting goods of any kind. fishing pole? i might be able to annoy a prowler with a fishing pole, but that’s about it. aha! i see a big big red candle, foot tall 4″ diameter in a glass jar. weight: at least a pound, compact, fits hand, can be thrown or just used to inflict potentially serious headwound. fine.

sit back down at computer, wonder if the whole not wearing any pants thing is wise, i mean, would it interfere with any intruder-candling i might be called upon to do? decide it would most likely work in my favor, like, “huh?” & there’s my opening, bash! candle to the head, knee to the nads (providing intruder comes so equipped, if not, just deliver repeated two-arm candleblows until intruder hits the ground), kick until meat is tenderized, then top with big, ugly chair.

i am prepared.

6 thoughts on “preparations

  1. Honey, when did your neighborhood become so rough? I mean, when I was there it seemed full of old people, and the like.

  2. it is full of old people. who would be no help if there were a prowler. i’m the only person anywhere near me actually capable of delivering a proper asskicking. therefore i must be ready.

  3. but so am i. i suppose i could show it to the prowler & we could both scream like girls, that would work.

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