if i ever lose it, i mean fully completely absolutely no doubtaboutit lose it, it’ll happen in the grocery store. what is it with the grocery store? no matter what mood i’m in when i hit the front door, by the time i hit it again i’m hanging on to sanity by one handle & there’s a big hole in the bottom of the bag. maybe it’s the subliminal whinefest of the muzak, which i’m sure is a well-researched whinefest indeed, designed to make ninety-nine % of the population buy shit they had no idea they wanted, while i, as always, inhabit that other %. or perhaps it’s the overwhelming bombardment of marketing messages, which taken as a whole take on a quality of desperation, triggering my codependent tendencies – could it be i feel bad about not buying the ninety nine thousand nine hundred forty seven things i don’t buy? and there’s no way to say there, there, i’d buy your cleverly packaged nonsense if … ok, i wouldn’t, but it’s not you it’s me, nice work though, *pat pat*. or it might be because i can never entirely remember all the reasons i’m there and so failure seems more or less inevitable – once for a month straight i forgot to buy butter. the toast sucked that month.
i mean, i don’t know if it’s just me — does everybody get asked by at least five different courtesy clerks in that earnest, courteous way they have, if i’m finding everything i need? or am i wearing an expression that screams helpme helpme heeeeelp me? and how exactly would i find what i need in the grocery store, when my needs are … aha! it’s the clerks. they should stop reminding me about my needs.
the clerks bagging at checkout are also the way i gauge the extent of the damage of any one shopping expedition – how many times do they ask me if i need help getting my poptarts, coffee creamer and tunafish to the car? once, ok. but if they ask me three different times, like, are you sure? obviously at that point i’m the walking wounded, and it shows.
today the clerk, who was 20 years my senior if a day, only asked me once. i can’t imagine having a working retiree carrying my groceries, but apparently the working retiree could.
really, i’m fine. but i sure wish that online grocery ordering service hadn’t gone under.