for however long, it was all need, all the time; then abruptly the urgency was gone. she slipped out the window leaving a pillowy decoy wadded up under covers like the horny adolescent we once were; strange what desire will make foolish people do. would that i could have just said good riddance, laid down some unlivable under-my-roof rules, changed the locks, and nailed the doggie door shut, thereby reducing the incidence of delinquency in my life to just the car payments.
but no. the prodigal need has returned, look at her drag herself through the door all tired eyes and badly camouflaged hickeys, her only energy this brimming thing, with the well-rehearsed reasonable explanations oh my yes i can see she’s got a lot of why in her. i pass on the performance, shrug an unconditional sort of shrug and send her to rest up, reflecting on how badly i needed the youthful strength of that impudent, imprudent aspect of my otherwise rapidly middle-aging self.
this is reckless energy, nothing subtle or sophisticated, no nuance no romance just blunt and direct and inadvertently eloquent, describing the intensity of this need better than i could ever: we’re talking about a girl would look you straight in the eye and say, ever do it in a buick? and then back up a bit so it could go either way, harmless mischevious or something else, something lighthearted not serious and at the same time, not kidding. this girl is shameless, impatient, and has roomy leather back seats.
(may as well admit it i’m all talk. but it’s some talk, yes? mmhmm.)
this is also the girl who seems unafraid of the hope that otherwise terrifies me; she is the insistent voice you hear in spite of everything, saying anything can happen.