my daughter’s right. i’m a spazz.
… so i decided i would (dramatic flourish) buy underwear. on my lunch hour. and so i went to kmart. and had a nervous breakdown.
you see it goes like this first of all i’m cheap and then there are of course the body issues and then of course trying to find matching things i would just like some things that match is that so much to ask and oh by the way the sizing if the sizing made any sense that would be a nice change and the time’s passing and even though it’s within utterly normal lunch guidelines i never take lunch so there is this growing feeling of panic and then we get to the guilt and weirdness because sure as hell i turn up with new chonies ole whatsisface is gonna be on and on about the snarky shit ooh what are you buying underwear for, um hello it’s to cover my … never mind what it’s to cover, mister and then the fact i shaved my legs and he’d be all ooh you’re having sex, got polaroids and i’d be all no, i am not having sex because the truth is i couldn’t get laid to save my never fucking mind what i can’t get laid to save ok look i’ll buy ugly stuff i know i saw some now where the fuck is it now i know i wasn’t hallucinating and at this point at least part of this discussion is happening out loud and people are starting to look at me oh ferfucksake i just want some fucking underwear i don’t hate and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIRTY TWO DOLLARS.