two bras. five pairs of panties. one breakdown.

my daughter’s right. i’m a spazz.

… so i decided i would (dramatic flourish) buy underwear. on my lunch hour. and so i went to kmart. and had a nervous breakdown.

you see it goes like this first of all i’m cheap and then there are of course the body issues and then of course trying to find matching things i would just like some things that match is that so much to ask and oh by the way the sizing if the sizing made any sense that would be a nice change and the time’s passing and even though it’s within utterly normal lunch guidelines i never take lunch so there is this growing feeling of panic and then we get to the guilt and weirdness because sure as hell i turn up with new chonies ole whatsisface is gonna be on and on about the snarky shit ooh what are you buying underwear for, um hello it’s to cover my … never mind what it’s to cover, mister and then the fact i shaved my legs and he’d be all ooh you’re having sex, got polaroids and i’d be all no, i am not having sex because the truth is i couldn’t get laid to save my never fucking mind what i can’t get laid to save ok look i’ll buy ugly stuff i know i saw some now where the fuck is it now i know i wasn’t hallucinating and at this point at least part of this discussion is happening out loud and people are starting to look at me oh ferfucksake i just want some fucking underwear i don’t hate and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIRTY TWO DOLLARS.

fuck.

11 thoughts on “two bras. five pairs of panties. one breakdown.

  1. some fiend must be laughing in hell anytime someone goes underwear shopping. sizes never fit. bras never match underwear unless they are bought in sets which means the prices quadruples. panties alway find the most inopportune moment to ride up the crack of your derriļæ½re, leaving you turning in odd circles as you attempt to dislodge the sucker as discretely as possible. and don’t get me started on the underwires. I swear whoever came up with those is a sadist! i think it’s high time we all just walked about naked!

  2. yes! we should all rip off all our clothes right now and say i’m MAD AS HELL and i’m NOT GOING TO WEAR UNDERWEAR ANYMORE.

    ok, you first.

  3. Some of us larger size gurls need the girdle.. But I will cheer you all from teh sidelines

  4. see that’s what the underwear companies want you to think. we’re all beautiful. and we should all get naked. immediately.

  5. one time i recall going into a gap store to try on pants brought me to tears.

    shopping for clothes in general is one of the top three most stressful experiences for me, right next to getting a review from my boss and being locked out of the house again.

  6. ahh. commando.

    well, i have thirty two bucks wortha undies now, may as well get some use out of them. but i’ll keep commando in mind.

  7. well, mine do right now. i’ve got the pink Joe Boxer set on and the tan fuzzy ones are over there if i wanna wear a different matching set. and then i have three comfy hanes her way bikini thingies in neutral colors.

    in retrospect whining about thirty two dollars may have been silly. it was a good sale, i’m just … cheap. i’m not inexpensive, but i am cheap.

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