and i’m plotting my life along the imaginary time axis

the day drifts down mean to its own end and bitterly settles into memory. i drift into this dazed sense of ennui punctuated by spikes of fight or flight like whitehot sparks. and more and more i find i’m defined by the pinholes this leaves burnt into my consciousness, and yes there is a pattern, a loop slowly closing in on itself. and what am i doing while being undone by some recursive reference? well, at the moment, not a fucking thing. to calculate why, you would need some numbers, as in years spent relentless against this error, raised to the power of all the things i lost in the process divided by the things that passed by while i was incapacitated by the futility. divide the answer by the sum of my past, then subtract the resulting percentage from what i have left of this life, and maybe you’ll understand when i say i’d rather accept this decaying orbit and its inevitably messy ending than waste any more of my self struggling against it.

i just want less loss.

5 thoughts on “and i’m plotting my life along the imaginary time axis

  1. You forgot to subtract the essential ONE.

    “Even a single thought of me is enough in a whole day,
    to bring enlightenment to those who are without.”
    Lady Lourdene, Witch of the heather.

    A single comment from BFG is worth even more.

    Blessed be

    BFG.

  2. Ooooh, but what if you actually broke free? Imagine what you could do with that resulting percentage. Like: put it to work making up for the other part.

  3. i’m figuring it’s maybe better to just accept my general fuckeduppedness and find ways to make it work for me at least some of the time, and just get on with it, i’ve been more or less doing that for awhile now, it seems to be working out better than considering myself broken and stressing about why and putting everything off till i’m better.

  4. yeah, I can see that. we waste way too much of our lives chasing something that doesn’t exist rather than living the lives we’ve got. btw — can’t send albuterol this month because my kid needs an extra for the nurse’s office at school. hope you’re doing ok in that dept.

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