it is the engine that drives itself, but it chooses the uphill climb

three circuits 1.7 1.7 1.7 three times the mountain cannot explain this i’ve only ever done three once before, once and then i went right back to two i remember thinking ahh i see three, no, two yes. seven years ago twenty pounds ago god knows how many packs of cigarettes ago i thought that.

there were two reasons one was the inexplicable fact of the matter of needing oh so very much less air my lungs were the same it was the rest of me changed and changed almost overnight? almost. other one was the song, the one i put at the end of the cd at the time where two circuits end a slow song an old song also it is the song that i’ve always allowed myself to feel and to each his own it’s plain to see to walk alone you have to be and in feeling the allowable feelings i found not sadness but some searing energy to power the escape on and up and fast, i go up faster each time, there’s no sense to this i’m old i’m wrecked i never expected this never expected it to be … easy. it’s easy.

and the third time ’round and down it is dusky purple ocean mist breeze the light the air the music pink floyd art is everything i see and physics within, matter into energy i am feeling this molecularly and it is almost almost too much i slow to a wander entranced in rapture there are nearly tears it is too beautiful it is way way too beautiful it is innocent beautiful a miracle it is explosive beautiful ignition liftoff earth falling away it is beautiful like birth and death and the aftermath the starlight and all other things long dead which live.

i almost couldn’t stop at the car forced myself fell into the seat literally bathed in sweat i mean soaking soaking wet and as the interior lights faded in the silence it was perfect and i was already mostly an orgasm and it seemed the thing to do ease the seat back unbutton the buttons slide my hand down i mean i was already completely engaged in the process of arousal it was sex before i started it and by the time i finished it oh right out loud and bursts of color convulsing pulsing energy it was fission it was fusion it was blinding it was birth and death and the aftermath, it is an hour later now and still i am less a physical thing with mass and density than i am say the gilttering notes of a soft guitar spilling into the night sky.

10 thoughts on “it is the engine that drives itself, but it chooses the uphill climb

  1. *ahem* point of etiquette – when a lady informs you that she has had nasty sweaty mindblowing sex with herself in a semi-public venue, the appropriate response is to assure her that this information has caused you to have to engage in a similar sort of activity yourself, even if it’s just a polite little social fib.

  2. see, people tell me oh, i have no time to work out how do you do it and i tell them, it’s not like “oh i have to go work out dammit”, it’s more like i get horny for the mountain.

    it’s also a really cheap way of getting totally wasted on endorphins, you can kinda tell reading that i was still in the rush of it and i was outthere, boy howdy. hell i’m still buzzing and it’s been five hours.

  3. [politely not fibbing] i seem to recall a similar episode myself, minus the workout. it was a driving thing, 80 mph. my goodness, you give me motivation to exercise, though.

  4. oh yeah. great way to stay alert during long road trips, about 120 miles north of here is a stretch of road a long slow grade and i can remember being surprised to find that a renault encore will go that fast (my feet flex really really hard, so acceleration is an issue when doing myself on the freeway).

  5. I repeat, you are one wonderfull sweet lovely Liz.

    You almost get this old BFG hot and sweaty, reading about it.

    When I first found you, you had just done the hill once. Now its three times, just yummy.

    Blessed be. BFG

  6. dear miss manners,

    …oh never mind. i was going to say something stupid about putting a napkin in my lap.

    i really do think that any time somebody does something like that it makes the world a slightly better place.

    unless they cause an automobile accident of course…

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