don’t be afraid, my lawyer said this is just a formality

as i get stronger and healthier my levels of frustration have gotten worse, not better, and i’m beginning to worry that, in the remotely possible eventuality that i ever manage get laid again, that i might actually hurt somebody. at this point i’m thinking i really ought to come with a warning label and some terms and conditions, and so i’ve drafted the following pre-coital agreement. virgins, clergypersons, and those under the age of 18 are strongly admonished not to click the more text link.
by signing below, fuckee certifies that he/she has read and understands this document and agrees to be bound by it, and other things up to but not to exceed lingerie or scarves. fuckee acknowledges receiept of the warning regarding the ridiculous length of fucker’s abstinence from fucking, and is aware that fucker has been involved in a rather fanatical fitness program during the long long dry spell and understands fully that the fucker was a freak to begin with and now is a freak with a dangerous combination of frustration, strength, and stamina. the fuckee agrees to indemnify and hold harmless the fucker for any injuries suffered during fucking, including but not limited to rugburns, sunburns, wax burns, heat stroke, frostbite, regular bite, hernias, sprains, strains, contusions, abrasions, chafing, hickeys, hair loss, and trampoline-related mishaps; furthermore fucker will in no way be held responsible for broken light fixtures, plumbing fixtures, or structural damages, whether in a residential, commercial, or automotive setting. any items inserted anywhere which cannot be retrieved automatically become the property of the insertee, however any jewelry or other small objects accidentally ingested should be returned to the rightful owner after the appropriate interval. fuckee has been advised to put in for vacation time in advance of the fucking and waives any right to be compensated for lost work time due to an inability to walk. additionally, fuckee is aware that the potential aftereffects may include loss of concentration, fine motor skills, verbal abilities and visual acuity, and will under no circumstances make any claims for these or other symptoms of PTFS, or post traumatic fucking syndrome. fuckee agrees to submit copies of a recent physical, two forms of id and an organ donor card. good luck and may god have mercy on your soul.

***
for the record, i did have the best intentions in writing this.

29 thoughts on “don’t be afraid, my lawyer said this is just a formality

  1. just promise me you’ll scream “YOU BASTARD! YOU BASTARD! YOU SON OF A BITCH!” that’s always been a fantasy of mine.

    seriously, some lucky feller’s going to die a very happy man. just give me a call if you need help disposing of the body.

  2. and maybe if a bunch of us people with warnings got together, we could have, erm, meetings, not orgies or anything like that, just friendly get-togethers where we could … you know, get laid. or just hang out! sure.

  3. Ah, the deform letter. Unfortunately BFG does not need one due to the fact that even horny succubuii, do not even bother to wave back when BFG, says “pick me pick me”.

    So my letter is much simpler;

    Please fuck me.

    sign here.

    Now go find some poor bastard and bend all his bits, sounds like you need it.

    Blessed be. BFG

  4. amen! :o>
    i think one day out of every month should be given off to potential employees as a personnel make me happy day and unable to walk for a week day. or perhaps 3. would that be asking for too much?

  5. yeah, i just installed this new PHP stat thingy that emails me every hundred hits, and the emails start coming in every fifteen minutes and by the third one, i thought damn is it broken? but no, it’s working just fine.

    so right now about four hundred people per hour are discovereing i’m a sex-starved pottymouthed freak.

    cool, huh? d’ya think i’ll get laid?

  6. I’m just wondering how I could fit that onto a business card. I think it could be handy – but more importantly I think it’d make a great Christmas gift. You know, nicely printed up lil cards, maybe in a cute box… Maybe leave some fill in the blank parts… Is there anything in there about heart attacks? Because that fucker sounds like a real ball of fire. Heh. Boy you should get some more fun google hits now, huh…

  7. Lizards…Oh My!

    Liz should be on everyone’s must-read short list, and this is one of her best. Parrots and Lizards. What more could you ask for? Update: I’m a stupid noob. It might help if I track to the right fuckin’ link….

  8. that was so good! lol can i print it and give it to a certain someone? it’s only 2 times too late he might appreciate. too funny.

    i’ve been thinking though. i think what your problem might be is that you’re horny. have you thought about getting laid? πŸ™‚

  9. silly

    oh man i miss loving this place. not that i don’t now, but there was a time, back when, it was mad mad mad i say crazy love. i was just going to respond to a friend making a 200th post with a tally of my contributions to various blogs (i stopped counti…

  10. for the record

    starting to feel just a little selfconscious about the thousands of people who have gotten a first impression that i am a sex-starved, pottymouthed freak — no that’s not the problem, accurate first impressions are important, i just wanted to…

  11. Pingback: for the record

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