as i get stronger and healthier my levels of frustration have gotten worse, not better, and i’m beginning to worry that, in the remotely possible eventuality that i ever manage get laid again, that i might actually hurt somebody. at this point i’m thinking i really ought to come with a warning label and some terms and conditions, and so i’ve drafted the following pre-coital agreement. virgins, clergypersons, and those under the age of 18 are strongly admonished not to click the more text link.
by signing below, fuckee certifies that he/she has read and understands this document and agrees to be bound by it, and other things up to but not to exceed lingerie or scarves. fuckee acknowledges receiept of the warning regarding the ridiculous length of fucker’s abstinence from fucking, and is aware that fucker has been involved in a rather fanatical fitness program during the long long dry spell and understands fully that the fucker was a freak to begin with and now is a freak with a dangerous combination of frustration, strength, and stamina. the fuckee agrees to indemnify and hold harmless the fucker for any injuries suffered during fucking, including but not limited to rugburns, sunburns, wax burns, heat stroke, frostbite, regular bite, hernias, sprains, strains, contusions, abrasions, chafing, hickeys, hair loss, and trampoline-related mishaps; furthermore fucker will in no way be held responsible for broken light fixtures, plumbing fixtures, or structural damages, whether in a residential, commercial, or automotive setting. any items inserted anywhere which cannot be retrieved automatically become the property of the insertee, however any jewelry or other small objects accidentally ingested should be returned to the rightful owner after the appropriate interval. fuckee has been advised to put in for vacation time in advance of the fucking and waives any right to be compensated for lost work time due to an inability to walk. additionally, fuckee is aware that the potential aftereffects may include loss of concentration, fine motor skills, verbal abilities and visual acuity, and will under no circumstances make any claims for these or other symptoms of PTFS, or post traumatic fucking syndrome. fuckee agrees to submit copies of a recent physical, two forms of id and an organ donor card. good luck and may god have mercy on your soul.
for the record, i did have the best intentions in writing this.