if i had to touch feelings / i would lose my soul / the way i do

logic requires payment of at least lip service to this, this concept of release. this l… this lett… uce. this lettuce. no, no, this letting

go. this letting go. i’ve talked the talk to myself for some time now, and as easily as the right-sounding words come to me, they are even more easily discarded, carelessly tossed aside, or no let’s be honest here they are very carefully and in fact meticulously tossed aside, a deliberate act in direct defiance of all that makes sense. excuse is as follows: what if?

what if i am wrong about how right i am about this? what if i do what i am convinced i know i must do and five minutes later i feel the universe shift on its axis (which is within me the same as it is in everyone and everything, trust me on this) where was i oh yes what if the universe shifts within and spins things around so that this terrible unfulfilled need is suddenly within the realm of possibility rather than the almost ridiculously unreal estate it occupies at the moment? everything is entirely different from moment to moment and you never fucking know, honest you don’t and neither do i, and so who am i to simply turn away from this and say that i know this, that i know this is not? what if my pessimism (if that is what this is) costs me this (i have no words for what this is)?

i play the music that invokes the feelings attendant in the letting go, randomly breaking down in a manner suggesting i am feeling this letting go, telling myself over and over it’s done now and time to be letting go, and still i find my self clenched in a deathgrip in the absolute opposite direction and find i am not even close to beginning this … this letting go.

i am, however, going and getting some more beer. at least there’s that.

13 thoughts on “if i had to touch feelings / i would lose my soul / the way i do

  1. for the sake of efficiency and cheapness and things of that nature i opted for that strawberry kiwi malt liquor i’ve grown somewhat fond of. i still can’t really manage to get drunk anymore, which i suppose is a good thing, however there are times i seem to think i miss it? oh well.

    and randomly, this is one kickass mp3 collection i have here.

    i guess what that means is, it could be worse? sure it could. of course it could. be worse.

    problem is it will be, any minute / day / year now, just a matter of … i’m typing when i should be drinking again, dammit.

  2. This has, like, totally nothing to do with anything in particular, (and nothing to do with this post to be specific) but on some of your skins especially the beach and the 85mph one, if you have a mouse with a scroll wheel and you spin the scroll wheel hard while the page is loading the page turns into this really cool series of lines and colors, like when the Starship Enterprise kicks it down into warp speed. I can make it do it with both my regular monitor at work and with my LCD flatpanel at home, but the flatpanel makes it look really cool and then the lines get stuck on the screen and I have to ctl/alt/del to bring the task manager up to escape. It’s like, wow man.

  3. OK, let me reassess what I’m doing here: I’m getting drunk and spinning the scroll wheel to make your page fuck up. Over and over and over. I think I need help. Or a lobotomy.

  4. Makes it waaaaaayyyyy fuck up. It has to be done when the page is loading, when it’s half loaded, and I swear it’s happened to me before at work otherwise I would blame this LCD flatpanel. It’s really really cool though. I’m doing it right now.

  5. The scroll wheel on the mouse, not the scrollbar. When the page isn’t fully loaded yet. I’m half-drunk and amusing myself greatly with this. It’s like an abstract art generator.

  6. but now i have to fix it and i don’t even know what’s wrong with it but if a drunk can fuck it up with a scrollmouse something has to be done about it but damned if i know what that would be.

  7. well maybe if you stop using the old outdated skin we wouldn’t be having this problem now would we? the top two are much harder to fuckup with a mouse. may i recommend badassitude? it’s quite timely.

  8. Nooo don’t fix it. It’s probably something on my end anyway, sometimes the flatpanel does strange things. I know you could make me use the new skin, but I am a shy and timid person and don’t adapt well to change. I’m a delicate flower. I’m easily traumatized.

  9. no, i switched skins and did some scrollspinning and sure enough. i think i need to do away with those old skins and drag delicate flowers such as yourself kicking and screaming into the modern day,

    it’s like, one of my missions in life.

  10. Oh, I thought that was just me! I love the effect; I’ve been known to leave a window open with the streaks just so I can come back to it.

    Yeah, I know, but it does look cool…

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