in which i fail to take one for the team

so lastnight whatsisface is babbling ’bout this place right down the street he might get, he’s got his boss lyin’ for him and his mommy cosignin’ and probably lyin’ too, it’s more than we pay here but not by much, so i ask, i ask “so you’re going to have a roommate?” just to make sure there wasn’t any of that denial stuff going on and he says, “oh i have a roommate. didn’t i tell you?” he beams. “it’s the mommy of kobe and mando” (these would be children that go to the same babysitter as kurtwood, have for years).

“yeah, i’ve got me a little twenty two year old roommate”. (who has kids my kid’s age) “she has a job at best buy and they’re willing to transfer her to the oxnard store, but i could just put her to work at the car wash.”

((dear maude in heaven, he’s in pimpdaddy mode already. oh this poor girl. she’s twenty-two, single mom, trying oh so hard, and now she’s going to … oh this poor girl.))

((here’s the part where i omit the ugly details of the reasons behind the mindset which i know and trust me, you don’t want to. suffice to say that … oh this poor girl))

and then i thought you know, i’m old. i’m tough. i’ve had my first and last loves, i’ve lived a full life, i really ought to take one for the team and give up my dreams of freedom, save this youngster from her fate. afterall she has her whole life ahead of her, while i have wasted most of mine and have nothing coming, really.

and then i thought, ohfuckno. oh nofuckingway. not onyourfuckinglife. nope. i mean what am i fuckingcrazy thinking a thing like that? oh hush, i know, i know. but no, there’s nothing i can do for this girl, except hope that she is strong from the adversity and able to avoid being manipulated and subjugated and her soul slowly eroded away, until she is so exhausted from dealing with his needs and never being quite good enough in his eyes that somehow she can be convinced she’d never make it on her own …

he’s beyond the worst of the abusiveness, well, the part that left scars anyway, well physically at least, and he’s stopped the other things that caused the worst years to be even worse, problem is even a reformed version of whatsisname is still the same person underneath, expressing his weaknesses in terms of demands that can never be satisfied, a trap a vulnerable woman can fall into so easily, a trap of trying and trying and never succeeding and accepting this as evidence that she has failed, and and is therefore a failure, but fortunate enough that she still has him in spite of her shortcomings.

not that i’d know anything about this personally.

did i really say synergistic? can someone please shoot me? thanks.

12 thoughts on “in which i fail to take one for the team

  1. A new chapter in the book of life, liz. The last words of the last chapter are being written this month.

    Munin, I’ll drive…

  2. Liz, what are you thinking?

    You are right, not to interfere its her stupid fault, not yours. As far as I’m concerned you could never be bad, unless you wanted to dress that way, the high heels, leather, whip, ooops showing my tendancies. Just say bye, don’t come back.

    Blessed be. BFG

  3. don’t worry, i often entertain passing psychotic thoughts like that, i already have a place to go, renting a room from a friend (actually it’s whatsisname’s first girlfriend, we’ve known each other a long time, it’s a good situation).

    i just know what’s in his mind right now and it pains me knowing what he’s thinking.

  4. and my assitude is entirely unrelated to whatsisname. i feel alot … dunno if safer is the word but more secure for sure knowing he doesn’t have any reason to get all bitter and pressure-y at me and make it miserable leaving, but i feel bad that i’m getting an easy escape at the expense of some poor 22 year old single mom that really needs a place to rent. sigh.

  5. nonono no no no. no. oh no. this is my easy way out. i might feel guilty but if you were, say, being held captive and your captor was distracted by some other prey and you related to that prey, well, you still escape you just feel bad, you know?

    no, no, this is actually good. i have a weird way of expressing good. kinda snarky i guess.

  6. OK, but I can’t be responsible for any thought that may have leaked out already. I would fight the lion for you, and bring you its heart. You know that right?

    Blessed be. BFG

  7. It sounds like the best possible scenario would be to hand her a note on your way out the door. That way you’re free, and she’s got her fair warning. I know nothing is that simple, but doesn’t it sound nearly poetic?

    So does Kurtwood come with you to the new place?

  8. no, kurtwood’s daddy’s boy, and there will be other little kids at daddy’s new place. he stays with me on weekends, which is probably all my new roomies can handle of him, and it will all work out fine.

  9. “can someone please shoot me? ” er. no!

    am not sure how appropriate this is dear. but’s here’s to getting away. to better days. and don’t you ever think of going back again. ok?!? ’cause i swear by all that is holy, if you do. i am going to make my way down there, by whatever means necassary. and bitchslap you. got that. good. *squish*

  10. “i already have a place to go,”

    Oh GOOD. That was my first worry.
    Then you will indeed be fine, and Kurtwood will have you as much as he needs – you can find a way to work all that out. But that you have a place to go, this is indeed a good thing.

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