oh, what was i thinking? screw normal.

i’ve said it once i’ll say it a million times it is supposed to be difficult if you do not encounter serious challenging circumstances that test you to your soul you are doing something wrong life does not get better being easy, it merely leaves you numbed out complacent stagnant struggling to stay awake under the influence of the inertia.

maybe that’s what’s wrong with me, huh? maybe life is supposed to be easy and the same thing day in day out maybe it is about comfort and moderation in everything except numbness, can’t get enough of that? or, here’s another question: what’s better, to have bested a beast of a difficult situation, or never to have had the difficulty?

now for some people comfort and moderation is the thing, but for others among us it is not. and though we may long for it even pine for it and consider ourselves suffering for the lack of it, our minds have other plans. we can try to defend against those plans, adorn ourselves with the psychic shock absorption the insulation the well-appointed interior the long list of amenities, and do our level best to cruise through it controlled but for us comfort is really not the thing, it looks good it seems like it should feel good but it is never quite right with us down deep, that restless shifting within that vague disquiet that surfaces in the idle silence between heartbeats, a sense of urgency that is all at once impractical and illogical and irresistable. and oh, resistance is costly, though it’s intensity that it costs us and that’s hard to justify; much easier to take credit for our efforts against surrendering to the messy chaos our dreams suggest to us. logic tells us that messes and chaos and red 1969 z28 convertibles are difficult and stressful and therefore wrong for us, but logic knows naught of intensity. logic tells us intensity is not a need. i beg to differ.

some of us just aren’t buick people, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise.

i therefore rescind all my whining about wanting to be normal. fuck normal. i’m a freak. i’m weird. but life is interesting, and i am awake, and i am alive.

7 thoughts on “oh, what was i thinking? screw normal.

  1. ahh yes the imbeciles — the ‘no brain no pain’ thing. and then the non-imbecilic who simply have no spark. i have envied both, but in the end i always realize i would not trade places, i would not not sacrifice the spark, i would rather create on the edge forever than settle into some safe cozy little cubbyhole. i’m claustrophobic anyway.

  2. I think that’s my problem: bland and boring. yawn. a little drama is just what I need for insiration. to have real drama you have to have actors. one-acts just don’t cut it.

  3. well, you might consider cultivating mulitplicity like i we do, i’ve we’ve got enough different aspects that i we can stage drama all by my own our selves.

    what? *swats at voice* shut up! yeah i know jodie foster is hot. oh no way. for real? you think that would impress her?

  4. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” ~~ Albert Camus

    of course, I gave up trying to be normal along time ago.. I settle for normal for me.

  5. i don’t mind getting shot at so much, it’s the getting shot at from behind that’s driving me nuts…

    and my gun of soap and shoe polish, melting in the rain.

    personally, i have spent the last 17 years grinding my teeth, and would like to return to a place of bliss, thank you.

  6. but you see, the way my life goes (and by this i mean, badly, frequently) is part and parcel of the creative sparks which come from the unstable mental electrical processes, from the crossed wires. and so it’s most likely for the best that i embrace this aspect and get on with it, instead of mourn what i’m not, because i really wouldn’t have it any other way.

    certainly things can and will get much calmer and more stable than they are at the moment, but moments like these are the price i pay to be who and what i am, and … i don’t think that’s a bad deal at all, all things considered.

  7. (sorry about the above – screen and mouse acting up) thank you for the reminder. i do long for peace and quiet and comfy and easy. and i can enjoy all of the above except easy. so many people i’ve met and just thought “hmmm if only that had a bit of shit for breakfast lunch and dinner for a while, maybe they’d be interesting to talk to”. it’s a contant i’ve found – people with too easy a life are simply bland and boring, two things which you are not! (of course those damn imbeciles are often also very happy, and how frustrating is that!) here’s a quote i love, from paul pich� (qu�bec songwriter and singer, with his best stuff behind him): j’aurai toujours les yeux plein d’eau mais j’les aurai toujours ouverts. which roughly translates to: my eyes will always be full of tears, but they will always be open. yours is not an easy path. i’d add “but it’s the most rewarding”, but i have no proof of that… i just hope it is.

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