today is a good day to die

and oh, how i wish i meant that at the depths of me. i think it would improve life a great deal to greet every day grateful for what is and what has been and say, if today is it then so be it let’s on with it.

so i think about death. more than i imagine is normal. i think death is what defines life, certainly it is the point at which a life is complete, finite, a solid finished product rather than the tracings of a path through space and time that i tend to define by saying ‘you just never fucking know’ in a solemn and thoughtful tone from time to time. i think being fragile and rather easily killed is probably a good thing, without this humans would be an insufferable lot. but while i would tend to object to immortality in a general sense, i also tend to think that it would be okay if just a few of us had it. even a few extra centuries would be nice, i have so much still to learn, and i’m at least halfway done with my years, probably further than that, and i’m feeling my limits these days, oh my. and of course what you’re hearing here is the illogical but vital voice that speaks in all living organisms, life forcing its will to continue into the future. it is a simple message, life is. this is a mindless, single-purpose, one-way force, life, its business is to resist death which is irresistable and i feel this conflict from the bones on inward, in the marrow where the blood is forged and further in the cells themselves and matter of fact i consist mostly of this conflict. well not mostly. but enough of me. and enough of that.

i think about dying well, and wonder if i’ll be able to manage that, i don’t exactly have a history of living well. i like to think i could accept an acute terminal diagnosis (as opposed to this long term, indefinite one), but chances are i’d freakout and waste whatever time i had left screeching about the fucking unfairness of it all.

i understand enough about being seriously ill, i know that acceptance is built into the process, it’s about being tired in a way that even the worst exhaustion in a healthy body doesn’t even come close, it’s about enough of the struggle and on with it already, and yet a determined whiner such as myself could no doubt manage to bemoan the loss of even the most unrecognizable remnant of existence … it’s just not a good hairday is it?

ideally of course i’d have the amazing strength and be calm and focused and make every minute count yeah right, because i’ve got such a stellar record of achievements in the areas of calmness and balance and focus and i’ve always been so emotionally fucking stable it’s just unreal isn’t … um, maybe this isn’t a good time to discuss this.

i think about death in every day i live, more than in passing; for perspective for one thing, and for another in hopes i can create the sort of acceptance i so admire in others and would treasure in myself, if the need ever arose. as a matter of fact i might not be thinking about death enough, not so much thinking about it as living my life intense and with purpose since it is such a finite amount of time until my journey turns into that inanimate object at the end. also it would be nice if that object wasn’t completely and utterly insignificant, but what a conceit that thought is, and with that i’ll end this.

10 thoughts on “today is a good day to die

  1. Liz my dear, don’t you dare die, before I get to meet you.

    In days of old when men were bold and women few and far between, the brave few searched the earth for one such as you. keep the sprit for me my love your caped and eyepatched avenger, for I will travel the earth and sky in search of my beloved lizard.

    i am not a fast runner at all, so just remember that when you look behind, i’ll be the one leaning on the park bench wheezing out of breath. One day or other I travel to your part of the world, and knock on the door marked beware lizard within.

    Blessed be BFG

  2. but thinking about dying is just thinking about living, there’s never one without the other. ever. at first i felt kinda like a weirdo writing this and then i thought, so? i’m fucking weird! and then i thought about how talking about death is generally met with resistence, which is natural of course but i think that beyond that resistence there are other truths. and different peace.

    or maybe i’m just weird.

  3. No you are not weird, i was trying to be a little less creepy than normal, it never works. what i really wanted to say was , before you go you need to sample the bfg……….see i told you it was creeeeepy. no its good to be able to talk about all aspects of existance and that includes ones passing. i will miss warren too. when do you move ? I’ll send you some sunshine, and just alittle rain for him, go on let me do at least that, please, i want too, just for my sweet wonderfull liz.

    blessed be. bfg

  4. no no no we don’t mess with the harmony and balance of me getting out of there. everybody needs to stay nice and happy and nice. this is a good thing, a very good thing.

    no rain. flowers and kittens and puppies and cookies and cupcakes and shiny happy people holding hands.

  5. OK, I get it.

    however, this is for you.
    may you find your hearts desire before the moon wanes once more and love flow to you today. BFG will not interfere. please read my Ed, last couple of entries will explain my mood, if you have time.

  6. well you see, i believe in reincarnation after a fashion – ample evidence supports the existence of consciousness down to a molecular level and this planet being very close to a closed system, as long as there’s life we all live however — no, there’s no however.

    i’ve always thought, even before i had any idea that there were belief systems other than the judeo-christian god, that i was more a manifestation of ancient energy than a soul, singular, with one birth one life one death one afterlife.

    i’ve never been been able to have any faith i’ve been told i should have, so i believe what i feel at the most basic levels, beneath the senses, things that have just always been in my consciousness in one way or another.

    i am pretty self-conscious about this, now that i think of it sitting here mousing over the ‘do me’ button.

  7. life and death are all the same…. And I think you can find rejoice and peace in death, as you can in life. I spend alot of time thinking of my death, and the deaths I have witnessed. Life is temporary.. Death is too since we all get reincarnated.

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