… and other things that didn’t happen today:
today, a starbucks was not firebombed, its employees not cooked slowly and excruciatingly into blackened lumps of carbon by the gasoline-fueled flames in spite of the lies, the lies, the filthy lies, they could have broken that fifty, you know it, i know it, they knew it. also, we have it from the disgruntled staff members of some very reliable sources that there were no consequences of any kind visited upon the deceitful evil bitch behind the counter with the shriveled twisted excuse for a soul, even though the universe is just a little further from balance as a result.
in other non-news, a sanctimonious ex was not found justifiably chopped into bite sized morsels, nor was his flesh shredded from bone by a small but determined group of angry wolverines. he did not trip and fall under the wheels of anything big enough to matter, nor did he lose any appendages in an unfortunate axe accident. after none of this happened, there was no rejoicing, no parade, nada, zip, zero, the big diddly squat: no liquored-up nekkid folk were caught on tape as they swarmed into the streets in celebration, there was no lootin’ the pharmacies, not a dang thing (sorry, the network won’t let me say goldang). on the bright side there were no arrests.
this has been brought to you by stolichnaya peach and a tremendous effort of will.