excuse me

… have i mentioned i am not sure if i am getting enough attention? it is entirely possible i am not. when i used to be kd i was all about the attention, i lived for it blogged for it i played to those cheapseats yes i did. & i discovered disquiet in my self & i knew it/shit had to change & change big i knew i had to stop stopping my self from expressing itself, had to learn to say shit like ‘sell my ass for cigarettes’ without worrying that somebody was gonna get shocky on my ass & stop reading me & godforbid delink me i mean i was in the topten of blogrolling back then, & i treasured whatever that meant to me in some major way & then almost abruptly i gave that shit up.

walked away. tried to be someone anonymously notme but that didn’t work out it takes time too much time to build a new you & get that new you to be someone somebody will read. so i resorted to revealing my old identity in a slick & secretive fashion involving utilizing the email field to say (it’s me kd) in comment boxes &/or confessing my identity shift to anyone who thought to take the time to email to ask wtf? because i make people ask wtf? it’s what i do.

dunno wtf i am trying to say here really or well yes i do but no it doesn’t matter & also i do not have a point particularly.

oh whatthefucking well. waitaminute wherewas/were … i/we? ohright. attention. i don’t have the time the bandwidth the attentionspan to deal with the bandwidth issue & therefore i cannot make the comment rounds for that attention & i know i know this is all about reciprocity & i can’t right now it’s not just this but then again it is & what about the attention? what am i supposed to do? about the attention?

15 thoughts on “excuse me

  1. Theres always the theatre: you would make a really good captain hook in peter pan, no, ok howabout the narrator for the rocky horror picture show, or, patsy in grease. ……………………………………………………………………………………..sorry I was thinking of a different type of small screen er… production…

    but seriously why the hell not, its easy to get into at a local level, and you can be as dramatic as you like.

    I’d go and watch you, mmhmmm.

  2. That thing about selling your ass for cigarettes kind of turned me on. I want to sell my ass for cigarettes. I don’t even smoke. Maybe I just really want to give it away to strangers in the alley behind the dumpster.

  3. yeah, i know what you mean.

    i mean, i was never popular in here, in fact i was never popular anywhere, but there were…certain areas…in which i had some notoriety, for a very short period of time. i had my “fifteen minutes” except it was more like five minutes, or maybe more like one minute. and, it was in front of hundreds of people rather than thousands or millions. sometimes i even run into someone who knew me when, and usually i turn around and run in the other direction as fast as i can. but it mattered, one way or another, and i guess it still does.

    the thing it made me believe was that what i had to contribute was worthwhile, that somebody gave a damn what it was i had to express, whatever that was. and to tell you the truth, i have no idea whether this notion has been harmful to me or not. i really like what michael stipe is reputed to have said: ‘sing as if no one’s listening.’

    the thing that fueled me then and now was having someone say, ‘your work had a memorable effect on me’.

    your work has definitely had a memorable effect on me.

  4. it was either catbert or dogbert who said, “dance like it hurts. love like you need the money. work when people are watching.”

  5. i didn’t mean to be so smartassy (well no, i mean i did i was just) … um … awkward erm, um, ahhh, thanks, r@d@r.

  6. I can understand missing it – but man, isn’t it a lot of work to get there? I guess if you wanted it, it’s still there – I mean you could import all your archives, and toss around linkage to folk and news – oh oh, and flamewars, you were kindly neutral over most of them – you could get in to the thick of it and…. nah. It’s messy and in the end not fun. well, the flamewar hooha anyhow. But as to the rest I guess it depends on how much you want to play self promotion. Or more importantly if you have the time for that. Remember, you got busy and went off and had a life and multijobs and tasking and….well, some of us are still in awe of that.

  7. Also – I just remembered I should have added – blog about drugs that boost sexual ability. You know the ones. I’m not mentioning them here so you can put them in another entry and there won’t be needless traffic to the comments. I discovered this by accident by blogging about a certain er, thing (because it’s not even a drug), and then my comments went insane for a short time. Actually people continue to wander by over a year later (not in huge numbers) and continue to amuse me with their stories…

  8. oh, oh flamewars. nothankyou please. ohgod i remember … i might have been switzerland on the surface but beneath that i was all about the instigating oh lordy was i ever a sick bitch when it came to what happens behind scenes oh …

    it’s all coming back to me now & it’s explaining to me quite clearly why i stopped doing what i did & started doing what i do, however obscurely it is that i do it now.

    thanks batty. i needed that.

  9. What is this blogging thing for? It’s anonymous like a costume party or like when you’re in your car.

    What do you think your blog will be like in twenty years? I’ve been thinking that I would never stop doing it (speaking from the sleepy depths of a blog break). In twenty years I hope it’s all still out there. I’ll read it then and love it.

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