size, mattering in spite of everything

she takes to her bed fully dressed with offline content downloaded to the laptop & faces the day this way, wearing the size four uncommonly roomy abercrombie & fitch jeans as a reminder they no longer truly fit her they cannot for instance be washed & still worn at this weight they hurt just a bit she will not eat in these pants this is necessary she thinks. it is going to be a long day.

gravity it would seem pulls her down to the car she hasn’t quite unpacked at all she digs through sizes, sixes mostly, some eights. she says to her self honest brutal things fat drunk & stupid is no way to go through life sense of resignation retrieving the size eight express flares she also retrieves the eight pound hand weights hopefully reviewing the calorie intake of her recent foray into drunken numbness figures it at approximately two pounds a week she’s been here (wherever that is) a month now you do the math she resolves it ends here no matter how much it hurts reality that is.

she trudges up the stairs with a load of clothes mostly too small folds the silent rebuke of the size sixes & stacks it neatly in the closet changes into something she thought was a button down cardigan discovers it has only one button admires the way the regained pounds fill out her skin hates the way they spill over the waistband of the uncommonly roomy a&f size fours. she sighs as she peels off the fours & slips into the baggy comfy size eight did i say eight? that was a lie … the size nine express flares & subsequently into the skintight charcoal tshirt she’d rejected earlier for revealing the truth about the uncommonly roomy size four abercrombie & fitch jeans, that is, that they do not fit.

she hates the thoughts she feels studying her (physical) self in the mirror, somewhere between an objective fondness & a desire to hate what she sees in spite of this (where did this come from?) this desire to be punishingly thin.

disclaimer for those unfamilliar with womens’ pantsizes: numbers can’t be used for comparison of actual differences between actual sizes of different brands, but if i’d explained the actual meaning attached to all my different pants & their sizing (& yes, my pants all have meanings) this would have been even more boring, hard to imagine i know, but there it is

post script: the express nines were waaaaay too baggy so i changed into the paris blues nines which fit but are a little on the snug side, no pain though. juuuuuust right, goldilocks.

and all this is just to lay around the house with some downloaded offline content.

i have, like, issues with pants.

13 thoughts on “size, mattering in spite of everything

  1. knew i shoulda disclaimered this further. for the record i met Tara in person within the last 2 1/2 years & she looks beautiful at size fourteen. stunningly beautiful. women are beautiful at all kinds of sizes for all kinds of reasons.

    and there’s nothing at all wrong with looking the way i look. i mean, honestly, i’m pretty hot. i really am. objectively i tell you this & yet the inner critic assigned to the weight division is still standing there radiating abusive disapproval at me.

  2. & one more thing — to list things like sizes and/or admit my weight in numbers is by far the most difficult of the revealing writing i do here. i’d way rather tell you how i jacked off in my car in a public venue than admit what size my pants are or how much the body in them weighs.
    issues. i have ’em.

  3. I appreciate your candor (and the compliment too – thanks!)

    I think I was trying to say something more along the lines of “I understand” – I have shorts that are twelves and pants that are tens that mock me; literally MOCK me… and I spend mornings freaking out because I just don’t have anything that fits and/or looks decent (or that would look decent in a professional environment).

    but you’re right, though. women are beautiful at all shapes/sizes/etc. I have a hard time realizing that (about myself) but really appreciate when others can affirm that – about themselves and others – I dunno, I guess it just makes me feel a little stronger about the fact that maybe I can too.

    I’m going to stop now before I ramble too much more, but just know that I really did appreciate this post (because I feel it myself). And yes, having met ya in person (roughly almost 2 years ago if memory serves – MLK weekend?) I can say honestly that yes, you’re beautiful too. 🙂

  4. two years ago … when i was (yes i remember the exact pants i was wearing that day) poured into a pair of thirteen/fourteens, which was the first & last time those fit up until about april of this year, yeah, i got plenty bigger from there, up to a maximum of 18. so i guess there’s some basis in something somewhere for my obsession with pants. doesn’t justify the sort of pissy self loathing i directed at my self today but it does explain it. no it doesn’t. but … oh man.

  5. I range from fourteen to eighteen… lately it’s been on the sixteen side, but fourteens are tight and sixteens are loose… nothing in between when everything I buy comes from the sale racks at old navy… (i remember what I wore that day too – funny how the mind works)

  6. I haven’t fit into anything smaller than a fourteen in two and a half years. A size nine would be HEAVEN right about now.

    Good luck…

  7. remembering what we wore — both of us — um. that’s …

    i’m sorry i hate to overuse the word but damn that’s way profound.

  8. bobby, if there’s one thing that’s become clear in these comments here it’s that we are often not the best judges of how we look in women’s clothes. therefore i think you should let someone else be the judge of that. i’d be happy to help out.

  9. Women clothes eh? or just the panties?
    all i know is that i dont fit a size anything anymore, they have to make em for me. they do a good job at the tall and large outfitters.

    Anyway wayyy of topic, Liz you have been doing good, and you look good in the pics too. Maybe you just need to buy some new ones?

    Blessed be. BFG

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