still life

& now what pleasant paralysis colors these afternoons a blur ablaze in lassitude bathed in lightspeed wasted? & then when it ends blended across the edge, that last almost but not quite infinite retrospectacular technicolor flash when the eyes go final wide with perspective for once & once only perfect, what then? what now will be seen as having been regrettable then? what if it is more or less the opposite of the purposeful pull of this guilt what if every dutiful rational act that felt right like sacrifice is what should have been done different when all’s said & over? what if none of this matters because i am only approximately the seventeen billionth soul to wonder something suspiciously like this only minus most of this fancy bullshit? what if my numbers are way the fuck off & only a handful of us punkass flakes ever bother with this wondering? what if there is no way to know now what will have been wasted then, what if these afternoons spent blissful indolent spinning words across keys with hands that dance vivid with wistful grace were spent precisely how they were meant to be, making these vague misgivings misguided at least & at worst an obscene waste of some thing i cannot tell you what it is however i do know i don’t know what it is & also i must admit it is not even afternoon anymore in fact it is now months & miles from where i spilled the first words of this & still.

still.

12 thoughts on “still life

  1. i am off to spend thanksgiving with whatsisface’s family.

    woodchipper woodchipper woodchipper — this shall be my mantra.

  2. oh wait holyshit what if this is what the thing that’s not a novel is actually about? what if it’s about what this is which was all those afternoons (one of which included the beginning of this) i was supposed to be working but instead i was writing shit i mean i did rather fuckup my life writing whatever fortyfive thousand sofar words i’ve got & it it it … *breathe* what if what i meant was what matters, sitting writing being told you’re wasting time believing it & then finding out in the end, oh wait that did matter?

    dunno, i’ve had some peach vodka & that always makes me kinda … you know. like this.

  3. but wait but wait … ok look i have just seen windows me running on a laptop with a spiffy processor but nowhere near enough memory recover from a b.s.o.d. caused by windows media nine crashing hard over a very fucked up cd that was on the floor of my car for awhile so i would tend to believe anything is possible i mean it said press any key to try & continue & that was hours ago it’s been continuing without protest ever since.

    fuck if that can happen … i mean …

  4. can it possibly get any better than this, i just want to know?

    we are living and loving autonomous memes in the mind of god, multisensory recording devices in creation’s most outrageous attempt to point out the obvious…

    if you “get” it, good for you… you get to celebrate with all the others who got it before you.

    if you don’t get it, well…hang in there… it won’t be long!

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