what remained smelled strong like fresh lumber, newess released from ruin in demolition like any metaphor meant to ease the violence of loss. also it would be a fine foundation for a potentially very trendy self-help movement, i can see it now: we’ll start out by uncovering your blatantly obvious self-deconstructive tendencies by empowering your inner whiner to break out break free & most importantly break stuff yeah yeah fuck stuff up i mean it now. fuckupping: it’s the new renewal it’s the key to your path toward eventual self-platitudinization. ultimately, you will find yourself out a few grand for seminars books & clever t-shirts. my qualifications as your new guru include a lifetime of experience applying this technique, seriously: you see, i tend to condemn my self whenever i seem to think the damages are irreparable (again). & this exposes of course all the the basic structural weaknesses (again) in the admittedly haphazard archtechture (flawed by my own design, again) but what doesn’t kill me (or make me wish it had) generally ignites me inspires me & i try try (again)(!!) (snide note:the implications involved in building the inference that led to the aformentioned condemnation(s) shall go unsaid but not without saying some thing like this sentence, for example. (see:: deliberate semantic nullness, as covered in lesson three, diversionary tactics. additionally, i offer extraneous exclamation points: !!!!!)
of course i digress. of course.
as a direct result of this nonsense & very little else, a number of my selves have been razed in ways you don’t even wanna know how the obliterated smithereens of the fragments of the pieces were reduced to their essential elements like this: writing blocking out every thing leaving you &/or me bleak eyed vapor locking over medicating self serving (your choice: immolation or evisceration) & losing everything again & hopefully like this: critical found mass religion revelation given in some febrile hallucinogen taken exactly like this: envision if you will the specifications for the anticipated breathlessly overhyped promised enhanced advanced latest best version of yours truly, & yourself too i mean yeah i said oh fuck yeah. (interjection: a chorus of reverent voices saying oooooh!)
sadly, there was no trace of irony in me anywhere during the lapse i spent imagining how i’d find this improved self/life, risen whole out of particles like the phoenix, shiny with that new car smell. pontiac, right? roger that. yes we had to destroy the vehicle in order to prove we needed a new, something i’ve been known to do (excuse: i am required to live like a metaphor whenever i can get away with it. additional excuses available, may be highly illegal in most states. if you have to ask you can’t afford it. content may settle while you are waiting your turn for the compulsory cavity search.) i am hereby invoking my second & fifth amendment rights, pointedly. speaking of which, i did have one at some point i just misplaced it temporally & when i went after it there was a moment when it was different & a perfect union & then & then it was now again.
anyway i have a point: these types of things (drastic absolute no refunds no exchanges no fucking around & this means you, buckaroo) are bad things about which to discover oneself mistaken. unless of course the unchosen alternative would have been worse.
(snitty little side note:: it annoys me endlessly knowing i will never know whether i was really wrong or merely indulging in a litle good old self-flagellation which i have been known to do, due to the dubious nature of whatever.)
(tangential additional side note: i have been known to move to a strange city in another state based solely on the mythology of the place’s name.)
(additional tangential notation of the utmost irrelevance: the story’s been told of an unfortunate soul fell asleep one summer day in plain sight in broad daylight blistering all the way to the third degree before he died of his burns <gratuitous digression> i myself took up sunworship during my year there & tanned so brown i could tube the snake river sans sunscreen, drunk, without burning</gratuitous digression> i rose from the ashes of phoenix december seventh nineteen eighty five thanks to a drunken phonecall to my longsuffering parental units, who drove to the burbank airport & prepaid our tickets & waited ten or seven hours & in that time i of course changed my mind but the tickets were paid for anyway they waited while we missed the first flight & caught the second & life began again the moment the wheels left the earth. defy gravity, is my advice. to my self, mostly.
decisions, delusions, revisions, allusions, forgiveness & more than you will ever imagine, my friend. yes.
it was called cartwright’s, though i for some reason always thought of it as the falafel hut. they sold hot dogs. & maybe falafel i don’t recall but lately i have found my own eager mind sprawled about all seduced & ravaged & in fact frustrated in a most satisfactory manner, far more frequently than i am yet willing to admit.